Oceans Between Us
by Butterflyshadow
Summary: BTN: Mary knows she has to adapt to life as a single Mum to her young son but she just can't get her head out of the past...
1. Chapter One

"Perhaps if you sit him on the other side of your knee, you'll be able to reach the food better and Charlie won't be so grizzly." Mum raised an eyebrow at me from across the table. She was leafing through a book called "Motherhood today" and she scanned all the pages, not stopping to read what it said. Elli had recommended me the book but as soon as I had walked in with it tucked under my arm she had dived on it and we hadn't been able to pry the dog eared thing away from her since. I glared at her over the top of my glasses.

"Thanks Mum but I think I know how to feed my own baby by now." I said, my voice croaky and tired. Tired of being critisized and patronized and whatever- else- o- sized. She looked at me closely, I could almost see her mind racing through the words of all the baby books in the library. My library. Except it wasn't anymore.

"I've read about this." She exclaimed, her hands fluttering to her neck excitably. She always got excited when she had something new to tell us. It was a bit of a shame really because she was the only one that did. "It's only natural that you would get the baby blues sometime or other Mary. I can't remember ever having the slightest bit of post natal depression when you were little but then again you...Well, right now...You're in a...a different situation to myself." She struggled to find the right words and nodded once she had finished the sentence, as if she were pleased it was over and done with.

"You mean my husband left me and you managed to hold on to Dad?" I sighed, "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I'm not about to throw myself off the nearest cliff and I'm certainly not jealous of you."

"Mary!" Mum put her hands to her mouth, the colour slowly draining from her cheeks. Dad finally looked up from his book on mountain plants and looked across at me, as if noticing I was in the room for the first time. It was very strange to me, I was the one who it had happened to yet I was also the only person who could actually say it out loud. Everyone else talked in muffled whispers or tentatively didn't mention the subject in my presence. I stared down at Charlie and a hesitant smile creeped across my face. His big blue eyes were watery and pleading and there was orange baby food dribbling down his chin. He reminded me of his Dad and it made me smile. It shouldn't now but it still did. Before I could stop it a tear was running down my cheek.

Dad reached across and touched my hand. I looked up at him, he didn't say anything but his eyes were full of sympathy. I looked away to hide more tears. Whenever my Dad tried to comfort me it made me feel like crying harder. He'd been there too, he'd lost the only thing he ever really loved and when he looked at me like that it really got to me. I was reminded of my wedding day, when he sat at the end of my bed and told me how proud he was of me, how he was glad to be giving me away to someone I truly loved. I did love him too. Only...Now, it seems like he didn't love me back enough and it hurts, yes, it hurts so much.

"Oh love." Mum tried to put her arms around me but I pulled away. She didn't take the hint. "You must be feeling terrible and you have every right to. That pig running off with the tart from the supermarket. I always knew she was trouble. Right from..."

"Stop it!" I held my free hand up, "I don't want to hear it, Mum." She nodded slowly.

"Of course you don't. You need to lie down. Why don't you go upstairs? Charlie will be fine with me."

"No you're not taking him!" I picked up my son and held him tightly as I walked over to the pram in the corner. I settled him safely inside and brushed a few strands of hair from my face. "I'm going for a walk and I'm taking Charlie with me."

"Is that really such a good idea? I mean you might run into Karen and Jack and that's the last thing you need right now."

"For God's sake! I think the girl can make her own decisions! Stop fussing around her!" Dad glared angrily across at her and her face crumpled in pain. I was torn up with guilt. That was just the sort of thing that I had been longing to say to my Mother for a long time but now he had said it with such annoyance, I felt bad. Mum always tried to do her best, I saw her pain when her best wasn't quite good enough. She could never get Dad to smile or tempt him away from his books and I had never been the sort of daughter she wanted, the daughter who could keep her company and share girlie secrets with her like a best friend.

"Thanks for all your help but I really do need some fresh air so that I can get my head together." I muttered, pushing the pram towards the door. "I'll be back in an hour or two and we'll go shopping and then make dinner together."

"Yes, okay then." Mum brightened and wiped her hands on her apron. "I'll go and see Lillia until then. I do worry about her, you know. It can't be easy for her. Perhaps I'll take some of my cakes, they'll cheer her up, don't you think Basil?"

I left her to babble on and stepped out into the fresh summer sunshine. Charlie gurgled in delight as I pushed his pram over the cobbled path. He loved to be outside, he had inherited that from Jack. Jack was never happy unless he was out working the fields, he hardly ever came into the farmhouse during the day. Most days I'd take a blanket, some food and a good book and I'd picnic near the barn. Jack would look up from time to time and wave or he'd come over to chat, bringing one of his turnips or tomatoes for me to taste. This was in much happier times. In the time before everything had fallen apart. But at least I still had Charlie who never failed to bring a smile to my face.

"Mary!" Elli called, she had been standing in front of her house talking with Stu about something or other and hadn't noticed me at first. But now she was beaming and waving frantically at me as she rushed over. Elli and I had been good friends since the very first day we had moved to Mineral Village. We were very similar and something within us just clicked straightaway. I had told her all sorts of things that I had never spoken to a soul about before. Things about Mum and Dad which were supposed to be kept buried in the silences that filled our home and she had never betrayed my confidence. She was the one person I could truly trust and I liked to think she felt the same about me.

"Where are you off to?" She asked, tucking her arm into mine and making it clear that wherever I was going, she'd be going too. Of course I didn't mind, I enjoyed her company.

"I'm going for a stroll with this little mischief maker." I nodded at Charlie. "What have you been up to then? I went over to yours on Wednesday but Ellen said she hadn't a clue where you ahd got to and Stu said more or less the same."

Colour rushed to my pretty friend's cheeks and she squeezed my arm a little tighter, a content, secret little smile on her lips. "Oh I'm so sorry. I forgot about our plans to meet. Something else came up...Something quite unexpected!"

"What?" I was eager to hear all the news, interesting things were always happening to Elli.

"Well, the doctor turned up at my house that morning, clutching a bunch of wildflowers he had picked for me! He asked me if I would like to go for a walk with him in the mountains. He took me right to the top of Mother's hill oh and Mary, you'll never guess what happened next!" She paused sucking in her breath and holding my arm even tighter. "He gave me a blue feather!"

I squealed and hugged her tightly, Elli and the doctor had taken what seemed like forever to get to this point. They obviously had feelings for each other but had been too scared to admit it. I was so happy that things were coming good for her at last, she had waited so long to find real love and I could tell from the expression on her face and the way she was squealing louder than me that the wait had been worth it. "You did say yes, didn't you?"

"Of course!"

"Oh Elli I'm so happy for you! So, when's the wedding?"

"Two weeks time. Sunday the tenth of summer, isn't that just the perfect day?" We continued to walk, her pace a little quicker than normal in her excitement. "Of course I want you to be matron of honour. May's going to be bridesmaid and Stu will be pageboy. After the ceremony we're going to have a small party for all our close friends at home. Then we'll go back to the surgery. That's where we'll be living from now on, you see, there's plenty of room upstairs."

I smiled for her but it faded and then fizzled out all together. Something had gotten stuck in my head and I couldn't remove it no matter how hard I tried. I had been standing on the beach the day right after my birthday in winter, four years ago. It had been such a wonderful day. The sea breeze was perhaps a little chilly but there was no-one on there apart from myself and the feeling I had then was indescribable. Perhaps it was a little like the feeling Elli was experiencing now. I remember looking out at the endless blue of ocean and sky mixed together, their join hidden from view, and the thought crossing my mind that my future was as limitless. All my life I had waited to be loved and love in return. I pretended that it didn't bother me and the passionate words that people spoke in books failed to touch me. But deep within me I had been longing for that feeling I had the day on the beach. The day after my birthday when Jack had given me the greatest present of all and asked me to spend my future with him.

"I love you Mary." His words were intense and haunting in the library that night. "I've never felt like this before. From the moment I set eyes on you I knew we were going to end up married."

I knew that too. His words echoed the ones in my heart. And that day on the beach I clutched the blue feather within my pocket like a delicious secret and I felt like something out of one of my books or the silly romance series on televison. I finally knew what it felt like to be loved and to love back with a passion beyond words.

"Are you ok?" Elli leaned closer to have a good look at me. "Oh I'm sorry. You must be thinking of Jack."

"Don't be sorry. I shouldn't be doing this to you. It's your day you should enjoy your happiness. Not have me spoiling it for you."

"Now you're being silly. You have a right to be upset. Come here, let me give you a hug." We held each other tightly and I let a few tears escape on to the shoulder of her blue dress. I wished I could be stronger and not fall apart and every opportunity but I felt like something inside me had broken and I couldn't get it back again.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Mary? Do you want me to take Charlie off your hands for a few hours? I'd do anything to help you." I knew she was being genuine and I nodded my head.

"Elli that would be really great, thank you so much. I just need to get my head together and when I come back we'll talk about this wedding and I'll be your perfect girlie friend, I promise."

"You just be whoever you want to be. I'll love you just the same." She squeezed my hand then took the handle of the pram and cooed and pulled silly faces. She would make such a good Mum and the Doctor made a excellent choice when he decided to have her for his wife. We said our goodbyes and I headed up towards the mountains, grateful of the fresh air, shade and quiet.

The first time I met Karen was at the music festival. We had just bought the house and the library and were grabbing every chance we could to be accepted into the villiage. People around here are always wary of strangers to start off with so you have to go out of your way to get on their good side without being too over friendly, that's what my Mum says anyway. It's a hard to fit in between these things but Mum managed to do it expertly. She listened hard to Manna's gossip and chatter without complaining once. As soon as she heard about Lillia's health problems she got on to Dad who looked into it and found a certain herb that might help. Of course that led to Lillia's husband disappearing for the past few years in order to search for this rare herb but Mum was still accepted into Manna, Sasha and Lillia's little group. I suppose I should admire her for that but I don't. I would rather someone think me rude than be sickeningly nice to someone I hated. Mum despairs of me because of that, she began to think I would never make friends here if I carried on. Which is why she sugguested I start playing the organ at the church.

I had taken piano lessons in the city (purely on her orders, she had always wanted a daughter who could play the piano, she said it looked beautiful) for quite a while and as she saw it as my only talent, as soon as the vicar started going around asking if people were willing to take part in the music festival she put my name down. The other people who were going to be there were Elli, Jack, Ann and Karen. Mum thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to mix with others my own age. I didn't disagree because I didn't want to upset her but I was hardly looking forward to it. We were going to have two practice sessions before the main event and everyday that drew closer to our meeting at the church I grew nervouser. What if nobody talked to me? People always tended to ignore me when I had been at school and other places. Maybe it was because of my silence. One boy once asked me if I was born mute. Nobody understood I just like to watch people. Sometimes you can get more from watching people's actions than words will ever give you.

The day of the first practice rolled around and we all met at the church at seven. Jack was a little late because he had been working in the fields and lost track of the time. I remember when he stumbled in, hands still grimy and his dark hair tumbling from the cap he wore. He looked agitated, as if he was slightly angry about having to be there and would much rather be somewhere else. I suppose that instantly drew me to him. Along with the way his eyes glinted mischeiviously and the can't-be-bothered style in which he moved around.

I also noticed the way Karen acted when he came into the room. She stopped going through her vocals and almost dived over to him, her long blonde hair rippling like a golden ocean as she made her way down the aisle.

"Hey there Jack..." She said, fluttering her eyelids and clutching her hands behind her back. "I heard that you were going to be helping out. I'm going to be singing by the way." She spoke as if they were old friends. He didn't look at her properly and scratched his forehead uneasily.

"Oh right." He muttered which obviously infuriated her. The tops of her cheeks turned a little red. She was expecting a bigger reaction, I could tell.

Jack and Elli had already met by that point so when he spotted her his face loosened in relief and he made his way over to the organ where she was standing with me. "Hi Jack." She said shyly, "This is my friend Mary. She works in the library. Jack's taking over Mineral farm."

"Really?" I could feel myself colouring when he looked at me. It was like someone was squeezing at my insides and I had to look away. I didn't think it would be a good idea to let silence fall upon us however so I said the first thing that came into my head. "Farming must be hard work."

"It is I guess... But I find this sort of thing much harder." He admitted, laughing a little.

"Yes, me too, I wouldn't even be here but I didn't want to disappoint my Mum." To my surprise these things were flowing off my tongue with ease like something had possessed it.

He laughed. "Well, the mayor Thomas informed me it was part of my duty and when he..." He nodded at the vicar, "Came to call I found it hard to let down a man of the Goddess!"

"Oh yes! There's that too!" I giggled.

"So, the library, eh? Where's that then? I might call in, not that I've had much time for reading lately."

"There's always time for reading!" I was about to continue and give him directions to the library but over his shoulder I spotted Karen. She was glaring at me. Her eyes were like big green daggers with fire beneath them. It was like she was saying, "I'll get him." And when the vicar called us all together so that we could start she deliberately put her foot out so that I landed with a thud on the floor. She had unknowingly made it worse for herself however because Jack came running over to me.

"Are you okay?" He asked with concern, offering me his hand to help me up in his gentleman like way. I savoured the moment with my hand in his, enjoying their hard rough feel.

"I'm fine." I said hurriedly, colouring once again. "I must have slipped or something."

"At least only me and you spotted it." He whispered, smiling at everyone else apart from Karen who were inspecting their instruments. "Listen Mary, would you like to come to the bar with me after this? I don't really go there that often but there isn't really anywhere else I can think of to take you."

I felt like my head was about to spin out of control and the floor beneath me wasn't real. If I hadn't caught a hold of myself he would have had to help me up from the floor once again. "That would be really nice but why don't we go for a walk in the mountains? Mothers Hill is so beautiful at this time of night. Have you ever been?" I could hardly believe I said that and even now when I look back on that night my mouth has a funny sensation. Like it longs to run wild again!

"No. I usually go straight to bed after work. But I'd really like to... If you'll come with me?"

"Yes of course! I'll call in at my house first though, to let my Mum and Dad know I'll be late."

"Okay." We shared a smile and it was sweeter than any kiss.

Karen was still watching. Her movements getting more and more stiff and rigid. I had never seen a girl look so angry before and I suppose that should have warned me. That right there and then I should have known there was going to be trouble. Big trouble. And it was going to have her name written all over it. But I was too caught up in the feelings I was getting from Jack. From the way my stomach fluttered when our hands accidentally brushed to even care. I look back now and curse myself. You should have paid that girl attention, Mary, you should have brought up the issue with her, had a chat. Or waited until you and Jack knew each other better and said something to him about it then. Maybe if you had done that, the matter would have been addressed, resolved and put firmly into the past. But no, you kept that silence you're so known for. You told yourself she'd get over it and got on with your fantasies about Jack. You stupid, stupid girl.

The wiser, older girl was walking back from Mother's hill feeling refreshed. I had picked some flowers for Elli and Mum and stood by the river talking in my head to that past me that had walked straight past the danger signs. I felt better, slightly stronger, maybe that's what made me do it. Or maybe I'm just using that as an excuse and the truth is I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I stopped when I reached the bottom of the mountain. I don't know why I didn't carry on down the path towards Gotz's house. And I don't know why I left my bundle of flowers on the ground and walked straight into Mineral farm where I had once lived with Jack and Charlie.


	2. Chapter Two

Authors Note _Thank you for your reveiws so far, I wasn't expecting to get any so I really apreciate it, thanks!! Also I'm sorry that this chapter isn't very good. Hopefully the next one will be an improvement!_

The light was on in the cabin but I couldn't bring myself to knock. Behind the door I could hear Karen's voice, loud and full of laughter. Even the sudden flight of strength that my body was experiencing could not withstand that. I couldn't even think of the two of them sitting in our house together. Her lying on my bed, cooking in the kitchen where I used to wait for Jack to return home and her things lying on chairs and shelves, let alone see it. Instead I stood by the doghouse. Rover had been a good friend to me and fortunately he recognised my scent instantly and covered me with licks instead of barking, which would have almost certainly brought Jack out of the house. I shook at the thought of him finding me here with no particular reason to explain myself with.

I sobbed into Rover's caramel fur. My stomach hurt, my legs ached and my eyes itched. They longed to be closed, shut off from the pain of the world. He looked at me sympathetically when I rose my head and I sobbed harder. It must have been a funny sight, me sitting there with early darkness casting it's shadow over the farm buildings, sobbing my heart out on all fours like a lost child. You're being pathetic, Mary, absolutely pathetic. I tried to stop but the tears tumbled out faster, harder, running out of control.

"Mary...?" I was blanketed in darkness as someone stood over me, their shadow blocking out all of my light. I jumped up, my tongue fumbling around for excuses. To my surprise it was Gray's eyes and not Jack''s that looked at me so expectantly. A tool box was dangling from one of his hands and the other one was on his hip, portraying some sort of annoyance or slight embarrassment. When I looked at him properly he hid his eyes behind that cap of his and hunched up his shoulders.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, feeling my thudding heart slow down a little.

"Jack's lending me his mill for a while so I can work on some stuff without Granddad knowing." He explained, uneasily shifting from foot-to-foot. "... I... Uhm.. Didn't know who else to ask."

"That's okay." I smiled in the hope of reassuring him. "I really don't mind whose place you work at, Gray, it's nothing to do with me."

"Oh well... I just thought that you might think..." He struggled, even in the darkness and the way he hid himself I could see the tops of his cheeks colouring. Suddenly he stopped, sighed and looked at me straight in the face. "I hate Jack for what he's done to you, Mary. I wouldn't go anywhere near this god damn place if there was anywhere else I could be."

"Please don't judge him over what happened with Karen. You can't possibly hate anyone unless you know them fully."

"I know what he's done to you..."

"And you can't go on that because you don't know the full story. He let you use his place didn't he?"

"Yes but..."

"He's a nice guy, Gray, and don't deny yourself the chance to get to know him because of villiage gossip."

"You're right, I guess." He put his hands in his pockets and was about to slouch off when he stopped and looked at me again. "You deserve much better." He growled then ran off before I had a chance to say anything more.

I sighed the way I always do when a conversation with Gray ends in his usual abrupt way. I found it easy to talk to him maybe because we are so different and when you put yin and yang together they usually slot next to each other with ease. Gray was so angry with everything. He gave off the impression that he hated the world whereas I like to think out my feelings and that usually leads to anger wearing off. He liked to comment on everything while I kept my thoughts to myself, especially when it comes to other people. If someone is doing something that angers me I won't mention it to them. I may think things in my head but they never come out in speech. Some things, I believe, need to be kept in the privacy of your thoughts. Despite our differences, I like Gray. We also have some things in common and always find something to talk about. Once, when Gray first came to the villiage and didn't know that I was about to be married to Jack, he asked me to the flower goddess festival. I felt bad about saying no when he had obviously been so worked up about asking me but for a start I was with Jack and secondly I don't think I could ever feel about him in that way. We are friends and I care about him deeply but I don't feel the same passion that bound me to Jack.

I started to make my way back to the villiage and to the responsibilities that waited for me there. There would be no time for crying, no time for reminiscing about times gone by once I had Charlie in my arms again. He needed his Mum to be there for him, to tend to his every need. Not one who was just going to sob all over him.

I gathered myself as I walked past the orchard and the blacksmiths. I tried to prepare myself for wedding chatter and a session of Mum telling me how to bake a cake I had already cooked a thousand times but the truth is there is no preparing. You've only got to trust yourself to be strong and somehow that trust will pull you through. That's what I've learnt from the last month or so anyway.

I was surprised when I found Elli's place empty. The curtains open but all of the lights off. I walked around the house in case any hidden bedrooms were occupied but every single window showed an empty room. "She might have taken Charlie home already." I told myself and walked over to the little house next to the library which we owned.

My mouth dropped open when I saw all the people gathered in our living room and they all looked just as surprised to see me. There was Elli, Stu and the doctor, Mayor Thomas, Gotz and of course my parents. Mum rushed over to me, arms outstretched. "Where have you been?" She screeched as I pulled away from her hug. "Everyone's been looking for you."

I ignored her question. As if I could have announced to this assembly of people that I had been crying at Jack's farm. "Why? What's going on?" I asked, taking in everybody's worried faces.

"I'm so sorry." Elli came towards me, sobbing into a tight handkercheif. "It's all my fault."

"What's your fault?" I asked gently, feeling a blush creeping over my cheeks from the stares that were focused in my direction.

"I... I..." She broke down in tears and couldn't continue. The doctor appeared with a comforting arm around his fianc's waist.

"I'm sorry Mary but Charlie has gone missing." He informed me cautiously, holding on to Elli a little tighter.


	3. Chapter Three

Authors Note _Sorry this has taken so long. Been having a very lazy summer. :) Hope you like it, sorry about the length of it. They're not usually this short!_

Blackness surrounded me and pulled me down on to the cold, hard floor. I felt strong arms pulling me back up again and placing me into the comfort of a soft bed. "Get a glass of water..." Came a gruff voice over some loud shrieking that could have only come from Mum. When I opened my eyes the doctor was standing in front of me, holding a large glass of water in his outstretched hand. I gulped it all down without comment. I don't think I would have been able to say anything, even if I did open my mouth. I felt Elli soft beside me, her arm across my back. Her face was scarred red with tears and when I looked at her she turned her head away guiltily.

"I only left the pram outside for a second. I went inside to get some milk for his bottle. Oh the poor, poor little angel. What have I done? You must never let me near him again, Mary."

"We have to find him first." I said, feeling better after swallowing all that water. "Has everywhere been searched?"

"Gotz has been checking the mountains and Mayor Thomas and Harris went all around the town."

"Have you tried Mineral farm?"

Elli and the doctor looked at each other darkly while my Mum stepped in before anyone could speak. "They asked me to but darling, I couldn't face going anywhere near that wretched place where you and my little grandson had your lives turned upside down." She dabbed a handkerchief to her eyes but it remained dry.

"Mum! Jack is Charlie's father. Don't you think, even if there's no chance at all of Charlie being there, he should be told about what has happened?"

"I don't want that boy assuming you can't look after your child properly..."

"Oh Mum!" I couldn't bring myself to say anything more than that before I jumped off the bed and pulled on a coat. "I'll have to go then."

"I'll go if you like." Elli offered. I could see in her eyes that she wanted to anything possible to make it up to me.

"No it's alright. I need to do this anyway."

To my horror, it was Karen who answered the door. She was wrapped up in a raspberry silk dressing gown and it was obvious she had nothing underneath. When she saw me a broad grin spread across her face. It wasn't a smile of friendliness but a smirk. I suddenly felt very plain and stupid in my old blue dress and white blouse. Karen was effortlessly beautiful even without being plastered in make up. I was suddenly very aware of the fact that all of the other girls in the villiage had that country prettiness and were always getting remarks about their perfect white teeth, shiny hair and lovely eyes. I usually never bothered myself about the way I looked but when I was confronted with someone as attractive as Karen, I couldn't help but feel like the ugly one. Espeically when she was smiling at me like that. A smile that was designed to sting at me. These thoughts and hurt only lasted for a few seconds. I needed to find Charlie and if that meant putting up with Karen then so be it.

"Hello there Mary." She said in a sickly sweet voice that didn't suit her. "What can we do for yooouuu?"

"Can you get Jack for me, please?"

"He's busy." She giggled and cocked her head to one side in such an unsteady way. I could tell she must have been drinking quite a few bottles of wine. The fruity smell reached my nostrils with the breath that came with her laughter. I felt my body stiffen a little. This was the very last thing I needed. "And isn't it a little late for you to come barging around here and demanding to see my boyfriend? I thought you woulda had more manners, Mary." She was swaying on her bare feet. I could see that her toenails had been carefully painted purple like the sophisticated girls in the city.

"It's an emergency. Can you get him please?" I tried to peer behind her to see if I could spot Jack but the living room was empty.

"What sort of emergency?" She leaned forward a little.

"It's about his son. So please, will you fetch him? It's very important."

Finally she seemed to catch on. She took a few wobbly steps back and then turned and walked into the bedroom. Jack emerged a few seconds later in just his boxer shorts. His eyes were glazed over in sleep as he glared at me questioningly. "What is it?" He asked roughly.

"It's Charlie. He's gone missing. Elli was babysitting and left him outside and he disappeared from his pram. I really need you help." I bit the edge of my lip. _He'll be found, Mary, he'll be found. You haven't lost him forever, I promise._ If only I could trust that voice in my head. But I had trusted it once before and had been let down. I just hoped that it was telling the truth this time. I couldn't lose Charlie, he was absolutely everything in the world to me and if I lost him I would be completely alone.

Jack's face was contorted in panic. He nodded and pulled on the first bit of clothing he could find – his overalls- then bombarded me with questions. How long had he been gone? Had everyone joined in the search? Which areas had been covered? What was he wearing when he went missing? I tried to answer his questions as best as I could. Karen looked on with slight resentment, standing just behind Jack. When he turned to her she smiled sympathetically.

"I'm sure they'll find him. A baby can't exactly go far in a place like this." She said, rubbing his arm. "Is there anything I can doooo?"

"Can you walk Mary back to her house and wait there until I get back? I'm going to take another good look around the village and the mountains."

"No." I straightened my back. "I want to search too."

"Mary..." Jack gave me a weary look. "All the women should just wait at home. There's nothing you can do."

"What can you do that I can't? Two pairs of eyes are better than one, aren't they? I want to help find my son. I can't do that sitting at home. That will make me useless."

He sighed. Karen's little mouth dropped open and then flickered with laughter but she resisted her urge to smile before Jack spotted it. "We're wasting time." I continued, breathing heavily with agitation. "Right now we could be out there finding him."

"Okay, okay." He lowered his hands in resignation. "You can come."

"What about me?" Karen demanded, just as we were heading out of the farm. She was leaning out of the door of the house, her cheeks scarlet and her chin high and sulky.

To my surprise, Jack didn't answer her. I knew he had heard her shouting but he didn't even turn his head. He just kept on walking so fast that I had to jog to keep up with him. A tension filled silence took hold of us. You could almost see all my fears about what had happened reflected in his eyes. We were heading up to the mountains and the wind battled against us. I shivered and hunched up my shoulders. As the world got darker the pain in my stomach got tighter. Oh Charlie, where are you? What if morning comes and you're still not in my arms? What if you're crying somewhere out there in the night and there's no-one around to hold you close? What if you're calling out for me but I'm too far away to hear your cries? What if you're shivering in your little green romper suit and soon the chill will get into your tiny chest and... I couldn't bear to think like that any longer. I had to grit my teeth and keep on looking. Calling out. Anything. Anything to bring you back to me. Your father's hand brushes mine as he strides to get ahead, to search more land in a quicker time. It feels as tense as my own insides. I remember the way he looked at you when you first came into this world. It was as if he was looking down at this new world he had created and no matter what, he would do all he could to make sure it's only inhabitant was happy and secure. I remember the way he used to sing to you and even when you were growing inside me he'd lean down and kiss the skin that hid you and tell you he loved you. I remember how it felt like to have you within me. To feel you moving around and the little contours of your body. I remember your eyes, ocean blue like your Dad and I remember your smile. Cheeky. Please Charlie let us find you. We can't lose you. You mean too much. Far too much.


	4. Chapter Four

**Author's Note** :_Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! This is my first HM fic and I was really nervous about it but now I'm already thinking of new ones to get started on! There's a little AWL crossover in here. I hope it's not too confusing. Everything about Mary's past and what happened with Karen will be explained soon! :)_

I saw the silhouette of a man as we were approaching the lake. I stopped and gripped Jack's arm in fear. Who could be walking around here so late at night? Hands took hold of my insides as a thousand possibilities trickled through my head. Jack, however, didn't seem to be fazed. He shook my hand off and looked rather annoyed as if me pointing out this danger to him was a nuisance.

"It's Gotz, Mary." He informed me, giving me the sort of stare he used to give all the village women when they passed on some stupid gossip to him. I had found it funny when it had been a secret between us but now I was on the receiving end and secret thoughts danced around his own head, it wasn't enjoyable at all. I tried to regain my composure.

"Oh yes, of course. It's the light playing tricks on me." The relief was flooding my body. The thought of some mysterious, threatening looking man loose in the mountains and Charlie being out of my reach was the most scary thing that's ever shivered it's way through my mind. But as we got closer I became of aware of his beard and podgy belly and from the way he had his hands on his hips I could be in no doubt. He did not smile when he saw us but looked apoligetic in my direction and deathly serious in Jack's. Gotz was never one to bother with niceties. He got straight to the point.

"I've been having a good look around here since the young 'un went missing. You gotta be careful with the mountains because there's so many places to hide. I've heard noises from the cave." He pointed across the lake where there was a small island and some rocks. In the midst of these rocks was a small opening. I had never been inside but in the winter when the lake was frozen, Jack had gone across and told me that if you dug you could climb ladders lower and lower and find some interesting things. He'd brought some rocks and ore back to show me and the necklace that I wore was made from some beautiful stone that he had stumbled across. "I checked it out earlier but there was nothing. There's definately something now, can you hear?"

All three of us stood in complete silence. Sure enough, if you listened over the sounds of nature you could hear a low mumbling sound. It sounded almost like a man singing. Jack's eyes flashed and his fists clenched at his sides. "Lets go..." He said, pulling up his sleeves ready to swim. I also kicked off my shoes and undid my necklace. When I got up Jack was giving me the nuisance look again. "What are you doing?"

"I'm coming too." Charlie was close, I could feel it. And there was no way I was going to stand around and wait while the men found out alone.

"Fine." The nuisance look disappeared and for a moment I thought I saw the old Jack return beneath his blue eyes. The Jack who looked at me in admiration, not exasperation. "It's a good job, you're a good swimmer." He looked at me with the corner of his eye but I looked away.

We all dived down into the lake. The water was much cooler at night than in the day time and in your clothes and it was slightly harder to swim. There was no way I was taking them off though and I'm sure Jack and Gotz felt the same. Besides I was pretty good at swimming through any kind of obstacle. I didn't used to be until a few years ago. Until a few years ago I couldn't even go near water. But it was Jack who had taught me. With his time, patience and gentle coaxing I had learnt to swim and fallen as much in love with the ocean as he was. My Mum had tried to get me to learn in the local swimming pool and failed. I think it was the fact that Jack had understood the reasons why I was so afraid that had made me, quite literally, take the plunge. I had told him everything that had happened and he seemed determined to show me that not everything about the water was dangerous.

By the time we reached the other side we were all dripping wet and Gotz was panting heavily. Jack caught hold of my arm, and locked me in his gaze. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I shook myself a little and then walked into the dark cave. It smelt of damp and the darkness made me blink. I was relieved to hear the two men's footsteps behind me but of course I wasn't about to admit that. I could feel movement. Sort of like when you feel a butterfly fluttering around your face but you can't see or hear it. Lucklly Gotz was carrying matches in his pocket and after some rustling around we were bathed in light. I heard Jack exclaim and after a few blinks for my eyes to get used to the change in surroundings, I saw why. There was a long haired, bearded man sitting in the corner. His eyes were as large as walnuts and he wore nothing but rags. In his arm he carried a green bundle. I cried out because I recognised the romper suit of my beautiful son! I ran forwards but Jack calmly reached out and pulled me back. He knew that this man wasn't going to listen to my hysteria (I know it's hard to get your head around having hysteria and me in the same sentence but this is my missing son we're talking about) and was much more likely to hand Charlie over if spoken to in sensible tones.

"Moi." The man said and there was something about his eyes that made me draw the conclusion that something wasn't right about him. Something was wrong in his head.

"I'm Jack." He said and from the way his hands shook I could see that his calm demeanour had not come easily. "Where did you get the baby from?"

"He was c... crying. Needs me to look after him." The man said, raising Charlie a little higher protectively.

"What's your name?" Jack asked.

"M... Murrey."

"Where are you from, Murrey?"

"Po-po valley."

Gotz folded his arms and shook his head at me. I could tell he was trying to tell me that no such place exsisted and I clenched my fists and bit my lip. _Please just let him hand Charlie over. I'd do anything if you'd just give me my son back. _

"Right well I'm from Mineral village and this is my wife Mary." He gave me a sharp nudge and nodded. I took a deep breath and held in a thousand things.

"Hi Murrey, how are you doing?" I squeeked.

"N... Nice to meet you." He smiled a little.

"And our son Charlie is who you're holding there. We've been looking for him for a long time and he really needs his mum so she can feed him and look after him."

"I'm h... hungry."

"If you come back into the villiage with us you can stay at the inn for a while. The cooking is so good there and we could probably get a few days worth of meals for free for you." I had to admire Jack for that. It seemed to hit right on Murrey's weak spot and he stopped holding Charlie so tightly. Charlie immediately started bawling and I had to sigh in relief with him being so quiet I had been worried but now I was completely sure that he was okay and it was just a matter of getting him back. Jack looked desperately at me again for back-up.

"My Mum and I are baking a chocolate cake tonight. You can have a piece of that too."

Finally he handed our baby across to Jack who cuddled him close then turned to me. For a moment we were all gathered in a big hug just the three of us like in the old days. Charlie was on my hip and Jack's arms were around both him and myself. For the moment I could not soothe Charlie's cries but it didn't matter because they were soothing ours.


	5. Chapter Five

**Author's Note** _Thanks again to everyone who has read this and more thanks to people who have reviewed. I really appreciate it so thanks! Sorry that I kept spelling village wrong! It's a habit I've got into but I'm trying to break it! Anyway, here's the next chap..._

Jack had been worried that we would all catch pneumonia or something from our wet clothes so he insisted on Charlie and I coming back to the farmhouse to get changed and warm. I tried to tell him that I should just go straight home, not wanting to have to face Karen again but he absolutely insisted So I hunched up my shoulders and tagged along behind him. Gotz said he would take Murrey back to his house while he got changed and then escort him over to the inn. He also said he'd call over to my place and let everyone know we were all safe and well but drying off. I wondered what Doug would have to say about having to supply free meals for a few days but didn't mention anything as we had gotten Charlie back and that was all that mattered.

I was happy to see that Karen had gone to bed when we returned. The house looked sweet and cosy even with her wine bottles lying around everywhere. Jack quickly lit up the fire and ushered myself and Charlie in front of it. Then he said he would go and get changed in the bedroom and I was welcome to use the bathroom if I liked. It was very strange hearing him say that when for two years I had waltzed in and out of the bathroom as I pleased. In the time that I had lived with Jack I had begun to love the house and the farm, as much, if not more than my parents house. I felt comfortable there and the minute I settled myself and Charlie in front of the fire I felt at peace. I had missed the house like an old friend. My parents place seemed so cold and uncomfortable in comparison and late at night before I went to sleep I would try to imagine being tucked up in my bed at Jack's. The bedroom fire would be cackling and Jack would be whistling in the kitchen as he made himself a cup of tea. If I asked, he would make me one too and we would sit up into the early hours talking. We would talk about all sorts of things. We never ran out of words like I feared. The best times were when we talked about our childhood. He had a way of cracking me open and letting the real me creep silently into the room. She'll stay for a while, fragile and gentle, stuttering a little as she tells her story, tells of all the hurt and pain that longs to be released. Then jack will hold her in his arms and just as quietly, in between sleeping and waking, she'll slip away again. Maybe it's Jack's own fears and hurt that brings her out. All I know is when he starts to talk about the time when his Mum left and how alone he felt, this horrible feeling comes over me as if I'm living it with him. My heart is breaking for him. That's when she emerges to haunt me again. But those days are now gone.

I try to remind myself of that as I peel off Charlie clothes and carry him into the bathroom to run him a warm bath. I try to remind myself that this isn't "our" house anymore. Karen lives here. My Mum always likes to say "They live in sin." Narrowing her eyes and swallowing heavily like she's trying to get rid of a bad taste. Nobody approved of them not marrying first. Even Mayor Thomas had words and Manna went on and on about the "unholiness" of it all and how that Karen was a right little madame who needed to have a few lessons in the art of keeping her knickers on. Sasha retorted that Manna was hardly the pure maiden when she walked up the aisle with Duke, in fact she was already pregnant with Aja. Sometimes, back then when it was still the talk of the town, I felt like standing up and just screaming my head off until I blocked their voices out. I never did.

Charlie was not enjoying his bath. He splashed water all over me and put his lungs to good use. I was sure that any moment Karen was going to wake up and ask what the hell we were doing in her bathroom but she must be quite a heavy sleeper because the bedroom remained deathly silent. When I heard the bathroom door opened I thought it was going to be her but instead Jack came in dressed in a more comfortable outfit. He laughed at Charlie, picked up a bottle of bubble bath and squirted a heap of it into the tub.

"Now he's going to make more of a mess." I sighed but inside I was laughing too. Jack made no response, leant down and started splashing the water with Charlie who screamed in laughter. When Charlie was first born I was so worried that something was going to hurt him that I wouldn't let anybody touch him, not even Jack. I wouldn't let Jack touch me either. I would find myself crying for no reason and shouting at him when he had done nothing wrong. When our marriage broke up the doctor asked to see me for a little chat. I found it hard to talk at first but when I finally did he diagnosed me with post natal depression and gave me a bottle of pills to help. It's hard but things have got easier and soon I will be able to go off my medication. I have never told anyone about my illness despite the Doctor's advice. If I did I know Mum would be all over me and would certainly keep trying to take Charlie off my hands. Now, just when I have finally learnt to love him and not fear him. That's why she enraged me when she even suggested I might have the baby blues. That is all behind me now and I'm going to be a Mum to Charlie. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is, the terror that took over me stopped me from seeing things properly. I couldn't see how great a Dad Jack is. I pushed him away from Charlie and myself and he kept saying that he loved me and that he was going to stand by me, with no explanation for my distance and my nastiness it was only a matter of time before he was going to start believing the things I said about not wanting him anywhere near me anymore. I suppose I could say that I pushed him into the arms of Karen. But that isn't strictly true. She worked hard to get him. But I will say this, Jack isn't the sort of person who can be alone. All she had to do was push the right buttons when he was already weak. I do love him to death and would like to think he once felt the same and those of you would say "If he loved you he wouldn't have ran off with Karen." But you don't know the whole story and yes in perfect fairytales love withstands anything but in real life people are not all the same. People have good and bad in them and in some situations you can see the good and in others the bad is going to snap up and surprise you.

"Come here little rascal..." I didn't know how much time had passed but all of a sudden Jack was lifting Charlie out of the bath and wrapping him in a huge white towel.

"Perhaps you and Karen will have children one day." I said. At the time I didn't know why I said it but I know now that I was trying to show him I wasn't going to blow a fuse if he wanted to talk about her. Of course I was going to be upset but he couldn't know that. I was hiding that fragile Mary again. Keeping all feelings back behind a smiley mask.

Jack looked up at me, his lips turning white as they pressed together then back down at Charlie again. "I don't think so." He muttered.

"Has this one put you off for good?" I laughed and tapped Charlie's head.

"Karen and I wouldn't make great parents." He said, after a long pause.

"Don't be silly. You're a great Dad and I can imagine Karen with daughters. She'd teach them all to dance, no doubt." I laughed again but he didn't. His face remained grave and he picked up Charlie and carried him into the living room. I followed sheepishly, twiddling with a strand of my hair and feeling my stomach fizz with nerves. Why was I even there in the first place? _Tell him you're going home, Mary. Make up some excuse and leave. You've already caused enough damage as it is. There's no way you can be friends with him. Not after everything that has happened. _

Jack went into the bedroom with Charlie and laid him down on his bed to sleep. He returned after a few seconds and stood there, looking at me. That would have been the perfect moment to tell him that I had to go but for some reason my mouth wouldn't work. Maybe it was the way he looked at me. His eyes searching for a thousand answers that for the past few months I had been longing to give him. He was reaching out for me in the way he always had. He used to say I was the only one who really knew him. He said I was his best friend. We couldn't get any closer. We knew every part of each other. And what were we now? Standing apart from each other, everything that had been nestling between us. Oceans between us. If I looked into his eyes I could be fooled into believing I could cross them but it was just a fairytale. One that I wasn't going to let myself be taken in by.

I turned my head and looked away, adjusting my glasses to give my hands something to do. I knew that if I didn't I would fall and I'd never get back up again. I had to stay strong. I heard him sigh in a tight angry way and his hands flew to his tousled hair.

"Yes, that's it. Turn away again, Mary, turn away." He threw himself on to one of the chairs at the table and gestured for me to do the same. I shyly perched on the edge and told myself that the door was just a little way away and I could easily fetch Charlie and leave. "I just don't get you." He said.

"What do you mean?"

"That's what I mean. You talk to me as if I'm still your friend. You don't get angry or tell me I should have married Karen or whatever."

"Do you think you should have married Karen by now, then?"

"That isn't the point."

"What is the point?"

"Why are you still being nice to me? I thought you hated me..."

I gripped the edge of the table my whole body felt like someone was gripping me. I had to wait a few seconds before I opened my mouth or else I knew words wouldn't be the only thing that escaped. Tears would too. "I never meant that, Jack. All those things I said, I didn't mean them. I can't even remember most of them." It was true that most of the early stage of my illness I couldn't remember anything but mist and a horrible feeling of panic. I am glad that nobody but Jack and Charlie saw much of me then. Or maybe I would rather have the whole village see me than have to look at Jack from what I put him through back then.

"Then why...?" I could see even more confusion take hold of him. I knew there was no way out now. I should have left while I still had the chance.

"I have to take pills." I started, realising it was a terrible way to start but I couldn't go back. "Jack, I had an illness."

"What illness?"

I took a deep breath. "Depression. Post natal depression. That's why I wouldn't let you near Charlie... Or me... It gets you that way sometimes. Elli's given me some books and leaflets about it. It's to do with a woman's hormones after birth. It affects different women in different ways and can make you do some really silly things. It..."

"Yeah I know what it is!" His voice was raised and his face red as he stood up in front of me. "How come you didn't tell me? How long have you known? I just... Can't... I can't get my head around this, Mary."

"I found out a month after we broke up and I've been on medication since then. I didn't tell you because to start off with I didn't know myself and then when I did find out it wasn't worth telling you. You were with Karen then."

"I can't believe you have been going through all of this and I didn't even know." He shook his head, eyes still wide in shock.

"There's nothing you could have done for me."

"Nothing I could have done? Mary, I could have been there for you. If I had known..."

I rose from the chair. "I better go now. I don't think Karen would be too happy about having us here all night. And Charlie needs routine. I better get back to Mum's an... I mean... Home." I had no idea what nonsense my tongue was spilling as I made my way to the bedroom door to collect our son. I never got there though. Jack's hands reached out and caught hold of mine then pulled me close to him. I felt like my whole world was spinning around and around and I didn't have a clue how I could stop it.

"Please don't go. We need to talk about this."

"There's nothing left to say. It's all too late now."

"It's never too late. I want to be there for you. You don't have to be on your own anymore. I thought you had just made a mistake in marrying me."

"How could you have thought that? You knew that I loved you."

His eyes darkened. "You were always too good for me anyway."

"Don't be silly." My heart pounded in my ears, the vibration ripping through my whole body. "If anything it was the other way around."

"Mary..." He pulled me even closer then stood up and put his arms around me. He brushed a few stray strands of hair from my face and looked deep into my eyes. I longed to put my hands to his face but I knew I had to hold back. We both had to hold back. I had to stop him but I had wanted this so long. Ever since the cloud had lifted from my eyes I had wanted this. Now I had it. How could I deny myself? After all these weeks of crying and loneliness, watching him with Karen. Knowing I could have held on to him if only things had been different. If only things had been different then I wouldn't have to stop this. If only Karen wasn't sleeping in the next room. "I'm still in love with you." He whispered, leaning forwards but I pulled from his grasp. Skittish, my hands and feet flying everywhere.

"No... We can't do this. I have to go home. You're with Karen. Everything's wrong. I need to go."

"I'll break up with Karen." He said, a very serious look on his face. "She isn't anything to me. She's not like you."

I froze. A thousand thoughts running through my head like the waves of an ocean. If only I could catch hold of one of them and make sense of it all. "I need to think about this." I said, "Just let me think. Are you going to Elli's wedding?"

"Yes."

"Okay, meet me on the summit after the ceremony. I'll let you know what I've decided then."


	6. Chapter Six

Are you ready for the next chap?? Thanks for all your lovely reviews. Without them I wouldn't write, so thank you! I have a cold right now so this fic has been helping to take my mind off it! :o) Things are now going to get just that little bit more complicated for Mary! Hehehe.

Chapter Six

Lord, how my body ached. I had never felt so drained. I had never felt so utterly confused and alone. Even in the nightmare of my depression, things had come and gone out of my control. Now everything was in my control and I had no idea what on earth I was going to do. I had two conflicting voices in my head and all night they had argued, so it was impossible for me to sleep. Perhaps my dreams would provide me with some answers. All I could see was the image of Karen lying there soundly asleep in the bedroom oblivious to the words Jack had whispered to me in the room next door. "I still love you Mary..." and how I had longed to confess my own feelings but had held back. Held back for her, who had looked at me like dirt since the minute we had moved into mineral village. But I wasn't just holding back for her. I was holding back for the future Karen's who I could see popping up if I did have a future with Jack.

What if we had another bad patch and Jack once again felt weak and alone? What if some pretty girl came along to comfort him because I couldn't and I once again I would walk in and find him in her arms? What if he doesn't really love me? What if he is the sort of person who thinks they're in passionate love but really they're just insecure and need someone around them to make them feel loved? What if he just felt sorry for me because of the depression? Even when he had first started taking me on dates I had a sneaking suspicion he had felt sorry for me or something. But... But... What if it was true? What if he really did love me like he said he did? What if we had a chance to grab that happiness again? Perhaps it would be worth the pain I might suffer if he sought the arms of someone else, if I could just be with him for a little while. But then there was Karen. There was always the possibility that she really did feel for Jack what I did and I how could I inflict this war of pain on her? So many questions. So many possibilities. I had no answers. I think that's why I went to the church the next morning. Mum and Dad had assumed I was going to thank the goddess for bringing Charlie safely back to me. I let them believe that if it meant I didn't have to explain.

The church was cool and refreshing on Saturday morning. The stained windows threw beautiful coloured patterns on the cemented floor and there was a distinct smell of wax from the candles on the altar. I thought about clasping my hands or kneeling but I had always felt the Goddess didn't care for these formalities. She was supposed to be all-forgiving and all-loving so surely she would be happy to hear from you at all. I wondered what I should say or think. Maybe I should just describe the situation. But she saw everything, didn't she? Surely, she would already know what had happened and she would already know how I felt about it. It was much harder than I thought.

"Having trouble?" The parson came over smiling in a friendly manner. I was startled and in my usual clumsy way I knocked a holy book to the ground. I could feel myself blushing as I apoligised and reached to retrieve it. "What a beautiful little boy." He remarked, gazing into the pram at Charlie. "I see he has inherited his father's good looks." He chuckled.

"Yes..." I tried to think of something else to say... and failed.

"I heard there was trouble last night. It's good to know that he's safe." He looked at me with the corner of his eye. "You know, Mary, I've often wanted to tell you that if ever you need someone to talk to, I'm always available to listen. It's part of my job, after all." He smiled again and it was the sort of smile that would instantly put someone at ease.

"Thank you. I've tried to talk to talk to the goddess before and I've always felt a little uncomfortable." I paused, giving him another look over. His eyes were softly inviting me to speak, not rushing or forcing out my words. "She would find my problems trivial."

"No." He shook his head. "If something is troubling you, it could never be trivial."

"I know somebody..." I started, "He's been hurt in the past and I want to help him. I think he could help me too but it's so complicated. I'm not sure what he's thinking and somebody could get hurt. I don't know what to do. He wants us to... He wants us to be together but..."

"Are you in love with this person, may I ask?"

"Well..." A smile escaped without my will. "Yes, I have loved him for a long time."

"I see. Well, love is a very beautiful thing but it can easily cloud our judgement. Indeed, loving means accepting the good and the bad but sometimes the faults are more than we can handle. That's how people end up getting hurt." He sighed knowingly.

"Yes I can see that." I sighed. "It's so hard." I was crying again. I fried to flatten the tears and Carter tactfully pretended he hadn't noticed.

"Love is the goddess's greatest gift to us but we have to use our patience to judge whether it's leading us in the right direction or not. What I would suggest to you, although of course you certainly don't have to take my advice, is that you try and detach yourself from the situation for a while. As hard as it may be, you have to get to know the person in question and yourself, again. Then you will be able to see more clearly what is best for both of you."

"Get to know myself?"

"Yes." He laughed again. "I'm sure you'll find it's not that hard once you get started."

I knew what he was talking about. I needed to get to know the "real" me. The one I had hid so long and I needed to get to know Jack again because all that had passed between us stood in our way. I opened my mouth to thank Carter and tell him how right he was but he had already disappeared into the little confession box at the back. I kissed Charlie's forehead and made my way outside.

I almost bashed straight into Gray who was almost running along the path. When he saw me he blushed and pulled his cap down a little further. I smiled and said hello.

"I've been looking for you, Mary." He said, "I have something I want to give you."

"Really? What?"

He reached behind his back and pulled out a small wooden box. "It's a jewellery box." He told me, placing it into my waiting hands. "I've been working on it for a while..."

"Gray, it's beautiful, you really shouldn't have."

"You don't have to keep jewellery in it." He continued, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. "You can put whatever you want in it. Anything..." He looked at his shoes.

"Thank you very much. Nobody's ever given me a jewellery box before."

"I'm glad you like it." He half-smiled then looked at me intently. "I want to take care of you and Charlie. I always will be there for you, you know."

"Gray, I..."

"I've got to go. Grandad's expecting me." He hurried off towards the town square. I watched him leaving, his head facing the floor and his shoulders hunched. Then I looked at the little box and saw that my name had been engraved into the wood with gold. I sighed and opened it up. There was a little mirror fixed into the lid and in the bottom he had carefully glued thick red cloth. But it wasn't this beautiful decoration that caught my eye. It was something else lying at the very bottom of the box. I gasped, feeling my heart flutter in my chest and cold sweat break out under my armpits. It was a blue feather. I reach inside and pull it out.

"Oh Gray..." I whisper as the symbol of so much feeling bends with the summer breeze


	7. Chapter Seven

**Author's note: Thank you all soooo much for your reviews! You are all way too kind and I don't deserve such nice comments! I was intending to keep you hanging for a while with the proposal thing but I had this written a while ago and I thought I might as well post it! I hope it's not too long – please tell me if it is! Thanks again for reading what I have so far.**

Chapter Seven

The dress fit like a dream. It was snowflake white and I couldn't help but smile at all the fancy embroidery, the little silk ruffles and wide puffy sleeves that made this wedding dress so elegant. I smiled over at my Elli and she looked back at me apprehensively. I could tell that she was worried and I wanted to tell her that it would be alright but I couldn't open my mouth. I was just amazed into silence by that dress. At times I had doubted this time would ever come. But finally, finally, it was within touching distance. My best friend was getting married in two days time and she looked amazing. She looked back from my bedroom mirror in which she had been gazing at herself, threw back her short, light brown locks and raised her eyebrows questioningly at me. I knew that if I didn't tell her what I thought soon she was going to go insane.

"El, you look amazing. You look like... You look like I always dreamt you would look on your wedding day."

She blushed and placed a hand on her hips. "Are you sure it's not too showy? Malcolm was never one for showy girls." I smiled at the way she still got embarrassed at saying her fiancé's first name instead of just "the doctor" like she had done before their engagement and squeezed her shaking little hand.

"He'll love it and if he doesn't then he's either blind or stupid and if you know him well enough to be on first name terms with him now, you should know that he isn't any."

"Oh I just worry so much Mary." She squeezed my hand in reply. "The girls in the city are wearing their dresses so much simpler now and I don't want to look like an old fashioned fright. I want everything to be perfect. I've been waiting for so long..."

"And it will be perfect. Have I ever lied to you? You know that I would say if I thought you didn't look nice."

"I know, I know. Oh god, I'm sorry. I do go on about silly things, don't I?"

"No." I was helping her out of that beautiful frock that she had spent so many hours slaving over her sewing machine to produce. "You'll be telling all of your worries to the doctor soon anyway."

"No I won't... Well, of course I will. But what we have will still be the same, you know, it didn't change when you and Jack were still together...." A look of horror passed over her face. "Oh I'm s..."

I frowned. "I don't want to hear you apologise for that. Yes, we were together. You're allowed to mention it."

"I'm s..." She giggled, covering her hand with her mouth. "Old village customs die hard, I suppose." She was back in her blue dress now, perching on the end of my bed. I sat myself down next to her and smiled. I had told her everything about the incident with Jack and she hadn't made much comment about it so far. I suppose it was a very complicated thing for me to get my head around let alone an outsider like Elli. I was waiting for her input though and I think she knew that and that was why she was being so careful about what she said. I wished she wouldn't but that was Elli for you. "What are you wearing for your date tonight then?" She asked, grinning mischievously.

"It's not a date." I repeated for about the twelfth time. "There's nothing going on between me and Gray."

Her face turned serious. "Are you going to return the blue feather?"

I gazed at the wooden box that stood on my dressing table and fiddled with the end of my dress. "I have to. I care about him but I don't love him. It's so hard because he's going to be hurt."

"Do you think... Do you think it might be possible that you could learn to love him?"

"Well... Um... I don't really know. I never really thought about it. All I've known is Jack. I've never had any other relationship and everything happened so quickly with him."

"It doesn't mean it always has to be that way." She was sitting up straight now, looking hopeful. "Look at.... Popuri and Kai. We all know Popuri was head over heels from the word go but Kai wasn't always so keen. He just saw her as a silly little girl to begin with and look at them now! They're so happy!" Elli had always been a hopeless romantic and she was fascinated with Popuri and Kai's relationship. She found the idea of them running off together and coming back the next year married with a baby on the way a great reason to swoon.

"Yes but Gray and I are friends and I can't see anything more. Besides Jack..."

"Is with Karen." Elli said, a deep frown on her lips. "I know you love him Mary but oh god, I'd do anything to stop you being hurt again and I know he will hurt you. You know I'm always willing to give people second chances but they have to earn it. What has he done except play on your emotions? Make you mixed up and confused? He might say he loves you but the end of the day love is about staying together. Not running off as soon as things get hard. And Gray... I know he's a little cold but he can be so sweet when he wants to be. He loves you and I know he'd make you and Charlie so happy."

I stared at her, shocked at this little outburst that she had obviously been keeping back over the last few days. She put her arm around my shoulders. "I'm sorry Mary but that's the way I feel. It's what you feel that matters obviously."

"I can see exactly what you are saying but I still love Jack." I held back heavy tears, I couldn't cry again. I couldn't be pathetic little Mary who cries everytime it's real feeling time. I had to trust myself to be strong. I had to. "I love him so much and I just can't let him go. Not yet."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Well, first things first I'm going to sort things out with Gray." I glanced at the clock. It was almost three 'o' clock. "Speaking of which, if I don't go now I'm going to be late." I kissed Elli's powdery cheek. "Thanks so much for your advice, I promise I'll think about what you said."

I fetched the blue feather from the box and slipped it into my pocket. Then glanced at my reflection in the mirror.

"Mary..." Elli came up behind me. "I love you. Please don't let yourself get hurt again."

I smiled weakly and hugged her tight. "Have fun preparing for your wedding. Maybe I'll speak to you tomorrow. Isn't it the tomato festival?"

"Yes..." She said, laughing gently "Please come and join our team, Mary. I need some help with Stu. He always gets carried away!"

"Of course I will. Now you know that Mum's going to waylay you and force you into staying for dinner on our way out, don't you? I'm going to try and slip by unnoticed. Will you help me?"

"What are friends for?" We laughed together and linked arms as we went downstairs together. I wondered what I would do without Elli in my life. I grimaced at the thought of getting through the past year without her support. But more than that I enjoyed the laughs we had together, the little secrets and jokes that nobody else would even begin to understand. It was only since we moved to Mineral Village that I knew, really knew, what I was missing out on at school where everyone had their select little twosomes and groups apart from me.

I got away from Mum safely, largely due to Elli acting engrossed in the cookery books that Mum was waving in front of her and promising to tell her all about the wedding arrangements. It was a lovely afternoon, golden in the setting sun and I would have enjoyed being out at the beach if it wasn't for the prospect of the looming hurt I was about to cause. I settled myself in the sand and looked out at the ocean before me. The sun cast sparkling diamonds on the clear blue water and the ghost-like boats were too far away to ruin the romantic picture. Kai and Popuri, back for the summer to visit Lillia and Rick at the chicken farm, were sat on the very edge of the pier. One of his arms was draped across her back, the other placed protectively on her developing stomach. When he turned his head his chocolate eyes had a glow to them and when Popuri pressed her little nose up to his she looked so happy that I could feel it from where I was sitting. They were whispering as softly as the waves and I longed to be Popuri, to feel her happiness and her love and have everything so simple, a life ahead full of excitement and experience.

I sank my feet further into the sand and tried to draw my head away from them. I had to think about more serious things like how I was going to give the blue feather back to Gray while hurting him as little as possible which was almost unachievable but needed to be thought about anyway. But it was no good, my mind couldn't be dragged into the gloomy present instead it lingered in the hazy past where life was as sweet as the golden shadow that the setting sun was weaving upon us and love was as simple as you made it. Love was innocent, fresh and new and it could do anything. Make me walk on water if I so wished.

I remembered, it was the swimming festival. The second year after myself and my family moved to the village and I had been dreading it ever since the last days of spring came upon us and when Jack came around talking about it the day before, I didn't know how to tell him that I felt so badly about it. In the confusion of a first relationship you want to make sure that your partner isn't going to leave you as swiftly as he's found you, so you do and think stupid things. You panic over not having something in common with them, the slightest disagreement of opinions will make you nervous. Jack seemed so excited about the swimming festival. He was entering in the competition and was desperate for me to go along and watch him. I should have told him straightaway that I had a problem with it and couldn't go or maybe even made up that I was ill to get out of it if need be. But instead I went along with it. I told him I'd go along and watch him in the race and I pretended to be excited whenever he prompted me.

I didn't get to see him just before the race because everyone was busy warming up and I stood on the shore and I was shaking and breathing heavily, all the time hoping, praying, that nobody would notice how worked up I was getting. Everyone's got a sharp eye in the village and the slightest bit of strange behaviour can cause all sorts of rumours, especially at festivals. I had always tried to avoid the beach before and standing there the wild, reckless danger of the sea made me want to run all the way back to the safety of the library where I could bury myself in a book or writing a story and forget all about it. I stayed however. I stayed for Jack.

I couldn't look during the race. I stared at my shoes and hoped he didn't look up at me to see if I was cheering him on. I could hear the splashing of the water and that was enough. I gathered that Kai had won from all the commotion they were making over him and then there was a prize giving. After that everyone started leaving and I was anxious to get going too but Jack made a big deal over drying himself until it was just us two left on the beach.

"Ah..." He sighed happily and shook back his dark hair. "I just love swimming in the sea. Don't you?"

"Um..." I clutched handfuls of my dress and released them. _Please let's just go. Please let's just go._

"I know..." He grabbed hold of my hands. "Lets go for a swim now, just you and me. It's really nice when it starts to get dark."

"Well... Er... Aren't you tired after the race? You were going really fast." I could feel my heart thudding. I had to get away from that open water.

"No way. I could swim all night. Come on, it'll be fun."

"I can't see well without my glasses." I blurted, trying to avoid his eyes. He was quiet for a moment.

"What's wrong?" He asked me, "Why don't you want to come swimming with me?"

"N... Nothing."

"I know there is. Tell me."

I looked up into his eyes. I knew I couldn't lie anymore then. Those blue eyes got me every-time.

"I've got a fear of water." I admitted, blushing.

"A fear of water? Why? You seemed so keen before."

"Because... I didn't want to tell you. A long time ago someone pushed me into some water. They knew I couldn't swim and left me there to drown. I nearly did. Except a lifeguard spotted me in trouble and got me out."

At first he looked soft like he was going to hug me then his wet body stiffened and his face turned hard. "Who?"

"I don't want to talk about it. It was a long time ago."

"Mary..."

"Please, just not now." I could feel myself about to start crying and I think he could sense I was about to as well. He pulled me into a hug and held me there. He felt warm and safe despite the freezing cold droplets of water on his bare skin and even with there being an ocean just a few metres away from me, I relaxed and held him back. When we let go of each other he gave me a soft kiss then stroked my hair and tweaked my chin.

"One day," He said, "I'm going to teach you how to swim. You can't stay frightened forever 'cos of what some sick person did to you."

"Oh Jack..." I couldn't say anything accept press my head into his chest, squeeze his hands and hope he knew what I meant.

The past faded into the present and once again I was sitting on the beach with the sand digging into my skin and a horrible clingy feeling in my stomach. The world had gone turquoise in the twilight and the only trace of Kai and Popuri was a pale pink scarf and an empty drink bottle lying on the pier. I wondered, panicking, what time it was. It must be gone seven and still I had not met with Gray. But I cold sense someone near me and hear a snuffling sound. Was it him? I turned but it wasn't Gray I saw...

It was Jack! He stood, in overalls dirtied with soil and sweat, looking at me, his eyes less intense in the pale early evening and I saw a big round tear trickle down his cheek. I longed to reach out to him, or just to say something, but I was sure that this must be some kind of hallucination. It couldn't have got so dark so quickly and why hadn't Gray turned up? And besides Jack never cried. Did he?


	8. Chapter Eight

Thanks for all your reviews - they are much apreciated! Hehe, there's yet more complications for Mary in this next chapter!

Chapter Eight

He quickly turned his head from me and started to back up towards the steps that led to the town square. I could see his fists desperately shoving away the tears and I felt a surge of hot, intense feeling flood my body. Oh, if only it were the old days and I could talk to him the way we used to talk, kiss him the way we used to kiss. Somehow I would be able to pry out of him what had caused the hurt in his face. But the situation we were in forced a wall between us and any temptation I had must be controlled for as much as I cared for Jack, I couldn't allow myself to comfort him, when those words of comfort should be coming from her mouth but I couldn't just stand there and let him be so upset when it wasn't so long ago that I had promised in the place of the goddess, that I would do everything in my power to make him happy and never desert him in times of trouble.

"Jack!" I called, running after him. "Jack, please wait!"

He turned back to me and although the tears were gone the evidence was still there, he was blotchy around the eyes and some pain was written beneath his crumpled face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you, Mary, I know you need your space. I just... I just didn't know you were here."

"I know. I was..." I paused, wondering how he would react if I told him about Gray's gift. "I was just waiting for someone."

"Gray." He said slowly, his lips flickering with anger. "I know. I know all about you and him."

"What? What do you know?"

"I was at the blacksmiths picking something up that Saibara promised to make for me and I heard them arguing. They didn't know I was there so they were really lettin' go. I heard your name and all about how he's given you a blue feather and booking the church and everything." He wiped the sweat that glistened on his forehead. "I figured you would be asking me for a divorce soon enough so I came down here to... Well, I don't really know why I came down here."

"I see." A nervous butterfly fluttered in my stomach. He was booking the church and arguing with his Grandfather? It was worse than I thought. When I gave him the feather back... I couldn't think about that just then. I had to push it away and deal with it later. Now all that mattered was this moment and sorting out the mess that all this had caused. I gazed at Jack, his eyes were upon the approaching ocean, the tide was coming in. He reached for my hand and after a few seconds of electrical excitement, let it go regretfully.

"Lets go into the town square. We can't stay here."

"Okay."

We sat down on the bench by the notice board. Jack put his head in his hands. "Why didn't you tell me you had a thing with him that night at the farm? Why did you get my hopes up like this? I thought there might be a chance..." He sniffed up hard.

"I didn't tell you about Gray because there was nothing to tell and there still isn't. I don't want to hurt him further by telling you everything about it but yes, he did give me a blue feather but that doesn't mean we are getting married."

"So... You're... You don't want a divorce?"

"No. Well, I don't know. I don't know what I want. I just need to think. But I think you need to know..." I raised my head and straightened my back. "There will be now way that I'll be able to give you any kind of chance while you are still with Karen. I can't think about this without thinking about hurting her and I can't do that. "

"You don't need to think about that." He said, lowering his head. "I spoke to Karen this morning before work. It's over. She's packed her bags and gone back to her parents." He watched my face with an expression that was a mixture of hope and shame. "And you needn't feel bad about that either. What we had together wasn't anything close to what me and you had. She was there and that's all there is to it. I don't love her. I haven't ever and I won't ever. Had things been different I never would have gone anywhere near her."

"You mean if I hadn't had the depression? But Jack what if it happens again? What if I can't be there for you for some reason and you go off with somebody else? I can't handle that. I can't go through it all again. Sometimes I think that you're so desperate for someone to love you, you'll take the first person that comes along."

He looked amused for a second then serious again. "That isn't true. I had been waiting my whole life for someone like you. Someone who I could trust, have a laugh with and... well... love, I suppose but that doesn't mean I was just clinging on to you. You weren't just my wife, you were my best friend. You know that as well as I do." His eyes were so intense, pulling me in closer, making me want more. "I know I shouldn't have run to Karen. You were saying that you hated me, wished you had never married me and had Charlie and... well... Karen was full of compliments. She seemed like she wanted listen when you were in a world of your own, one that you wouldn't let me get anywhere near. I know it wasn't your fault but I didn't know that then. I thought you meant everything you said. You never open up, Mary. Sometimes you're so cold. You keep things back. I've spent weeks trying to work out what's going on in that head of yours."

"I've told you more than I've ever told anybody." I whispered, stung at these personal comments. It was the truth in them that hurt so much.

"And that's what's so scary. That there's all there's stuff in you no-one knows about, probably you don't even know about. Yeah, you could say things to me but it was always the basic details. It's like you don't trust me enough to tell the full story. Like if you tell me everything, I'll run or something. Sometimes I'd see this look on your face like you were really feeling something and were so close to letting it come out but then you'd slip away again, smile and act like everything's okay. You think it makes me happy to see you like that Mary? You think that a smile solves everything? It doesn't."

The priest's words were echoing in my head "...Get to know yourself..." and then Jack's "...There's stuff in there ni-one knows about, you don't even know about." Was it true? Did I keep things back? I thought back to those nights when Jack and I had talked. I remembered telling him about things that had happened, my parents and the bullying. I told him the story but I can't ever remember going any further than that. I never mentioned names or the feeling her actions provoked. I said that sometimes when I was with Jack, the real me would slip in unnoticed and slip away quietly. She never let herself be known. I felt so angry with myself. Why did I never say anything? My toes curled up inside my shoes and every breath that came out got gradually louder. Jack watched my face.

"I'm not saying it was your fault. I was weak and should have stood by you."

"How could you have? Even when I caught you with her I never gave you any response. I never told you how hurt I was. How once all the madness had gone I just kept thinking about how when we were first married everything was so great. I wanted that back so much and I didn't know how it had slipped away in the first place but now I know. It was me, it was always me."

"No it wasn't. It was both of us." Jack pulled my shaking body into a hug. "It was both of us."

"Oh Jack. Everything is such a mess and Gray and Karen are tangled up in it. What are we going to do?"

"I don't know. Start telling the truth, I guess."

"Yes." I giggled. "That would be a very good start."

He softly kissed the top of my head and I held on to him tightly. Suddenly he was looking down at me and I knew he wanted to kiss me but something was holding him back. I felt something break inside me and I was sick of all the lies, sick of all the polite smiles and pretending it didn't hurt, pretending I could move on to the whole world except Elli so I leaned forward and my lips were on his. His arms found their way around my back and pulled me in, the kisses getting harder and more passionate. I couldn't hold back anymore, I just couldn't. I didn't have it in me. Just as my hands were caressing the back of his neck footsteps came from behind us. Slow heavy footsteps. I pulled away quickly but it was too late. Gray was already standing there gazing at me. His lips fought to find words and failed. Instead his eyes flashed with raw anger as he hunched up his shoulders and clenched his fists. What had I done? One moment of no holding back had caused so much pain.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Author's Note **_You probably get tired of reading this but thanks to all the lovely people who have read and reviewed this fic – you keep me writing! There's not long to go until the end of this one but there will still be a few more twists and turns for Mary yet. This is another short chap I'm afraid but I promise I'll try to make the next one extra long to make up for it! :o) _

_Laura _

Chapter Nine

There was a short, stiff silence. Gray's eyes flicked between Jack and myself. All of the breath was sucked out of me and I sat, feeling long lines of sweat trickle down the side of my head. It happened whenever I was nervous. I would go red then start to sweat. I longed to have the last few moments back again so I could stop myself from kissing Jack. This whole situation had just got a whole lot worse. I watched as Gray's face changed from shock and the startings of anger, to full on rage. I didn't blame him. He had every right to feel that way.

"Gray..." Jack started, his strong hand clutching my arm.

"Don't even look at me." He spat in return and I prayed that Jack wouldn't say anything else. I had seen that look before in people. It was a dangerous look, one that let you know something was smoking inside and if anyone dared to chuck a match towards it, they would never be able to get away before the explosion hit. "I don't want to hear your voice." He looked over at me, his wide eyes were clearly saying "How could you?"

I rose from the bench and shook off Jack's grasp. I didn't say anything, I just stood there, waiting, I waited for all the insults and condemnations that I deserved. It was in Gray's nature to throw it all out there in the moment of hurt. Let everyone know his disappointment, his hurt and his anger. But he didn't say a word. He stood there too, just looking at me with those eyes that seemed on the verge of watering but didn't. He didn't even blink. I wondered whether now it would be safe to say something, if only I could ease his pain somehow. But I had no right to. I had no right to even speak.

After minutes like this he walked off, hands in pockets, chin stuck out slightly. As soon as he had disappeared, Jack tried to circle me with his arms, his lips touching my ear. I pushed him back and stepped away from him.

"I have to go after him." I said, starting towards the inn.

"What are you going to do?" Asked Jack, sighing. "You can't say anything that's going to make it better."

"I've been in that situation, you haven't. I just need to explain."

"Explain what? That you were never going to marry him in the first place? Is that going to make him hurt less?" Jack kicked a pebble across the square. "No, it's gonna make _you_ hurt less. Come on, there's nothing you can do."

Tears sprung up in my eyes. "Is that what you thought when you and Karen moved in together? That there was nothing you could do to stop me hurting less so you might as well just leave me to it? Is that what you thought?"

"No. I never said that." He reached out for me but once again I pulled away.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you Jack but when you and Karen... when that happened, I would have wanted nothing more than for you to come and explain it all to me. I was so confused. And if..." I paused and held a swallow full of hot air in my mouth then released it. "If you think like that then maybe I don't know you as well as I thought I did. I'm sorry..." My feet quickened as I started making my getaway. "I'm sorry. I can't be here anymore."

"No, no... Mary, please wait!" He ran after me and started tugging at my arm. "Please let me explain..."

I glared at him. "Why are you allowed to explain but I'm not? All it's going to do is make you hurt less." I had to stiffen my body and my heart to stop myself from relaxing back into his arms, letting go like before. I just had to get away, if I looked at him again I would just give in and despite our love, I didn't want that, not after all we've been through together. I couldn't taint my memories with this moment but I couldn't let my memories make me brush this moment under the carpet. Who was Jack? Did I even know him? I had kept things back. It seemed he had done the same. I thought that maybe we could go back but we never can. The wound is too deep. His actions are unexplainable and when things cannot be explained things cannot be settled. So this argument would never be settled. I will never be able to forgive him and he will never be able to understand me. "Jack... I think that... I think we shouldn't see each other anymore. I'll try and sort something out about you seeing Charlie. Now please let me go." I felt his fingers grow cold before he released me but his hands were still cupped like he was holding me. I walked away but I felt his eyes on me all the way, burning through my back, desperate, desperate. But love wasn't enough. This time love wasn't enough.

When I asked Ann she said it was perfectly okay for me to go upstairs and see Gray in his room. From the way she smiled I knew she was under the impression that we were engaged. What would happen when the truth came out? She would never smile so warmly again. I didn't deserve warm smiles so I didn't resent the fact but I watched her smile for a second before it disappeared, savouring it, and she went back to whatever drink she was making. I went upstairs and knocked on Gray's door before I entered.

He lay on his bed, faced to the wall so all I could see was the beige back of his outfit. I sat down on the other bed, sinking into the green blanket, wishing I could bury myself beneath it and cry. Instead I held myself back, watching Gray who had made no movement since I entered the room. I took a deep breath.

"I know how mixed up you're feeling right now, Gray, but I just have to say that not one part of this is your fault. All the time you've been brilliant and if I were a better person we would be announcing our engagement right now but I'm not. I throw myself into things and I can't let go. I wish I could but I can't and once I let someone into my heart they won't get out and I refuse to see anything else."

"That's not a bad thing." Gray said, weakly. His voice like sand-paper. "That's a great thing."

"No, no. It's not. You can love someone too much. Refuse to see their faults and hurt everybody around you."

"But you've never done that. You would never hurt anybody, that's your trouble."

I laughed. "How can you say that? You're hurting now, aren't you?"

He sat up, turned around and looked at me. "Why don't you get it, Mary? You can't choose who you love. You can't stop yourself from doing it, it just happens. You always try and hold yourself back from people but eventually you're going to have to open up, you can't keep running away. I thought I could help you but it's always been Jack. Jack's always been the one. I knew that. And I suppose... I suppose I already knew that this would happen... So, go to him, Mary, open up to him or you'll always regret it." I stared at him. It was the first time he had spoken openly, without embarrassment, about something like this. He looked sort of weary as if he were tired of the whole business of life.

"But..." I found myself shaking. "Jack and I can't be together."

"Why not?" One eyebrow was raised at me. I tried to open my mouth and describe what had happened before in the town square but suddenly I couldn't. I knew that the reason I had invented was an excuse. Just an excuse for running away, not opening up fully and letting him in or rather not fully opening up and letting in the hurt. Of course we could repair the breakages, if we really wanted to. If we really loved enough. Gray loved me but I didn't feel anything back. There was no way I could force myself to. But Jack loved me, I loved him. It wasn't just first love that made you feel like you could walk on water, it was love itself and if we really tried we could cross the ocean. I knew we could. I rose from my chair and Gray smiled at my determined face.

"I hope it works out for you and Jack. I know you'll be happy."

"You'll be happy too, Gray. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will find someone else, someone who will give you everything you deserve and more." I retrieved the blue feather from my pocket and handed it across to him. "Make sure you give it to her."

He took it from me and lay back down on the bed. I knew he was still hurting but there was nothing more either of us could say. I ran towards the stairs, now I just had to hope that Jack would be willing to grab the chance again. We could do it, I knew we could. Just as my feet touched the top step I felt movement behind me, I saw a face darkened with shadow and then hands were on my back. Before I could cry out the person pushed and I lost all control as my body tumbled down the stairs like a rag doll. Liquid pain leaked into every part of my body until darkness finally washed over me like a bath of cool water on a hot day.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Author's Note : **_Thanks again for your comments!_

Flashes of creamy light came to me like a ship's torch as it sails across the midnight ocean. Flashes of intense pain all over my body. I tried to speak out but the darkness had caught my tongue and no words came out. Once I felt someone squeeze my hand. Warm, sweet pressure that kept me going. Then I saw her eyes, large, green circles that laughed in my sorrow. I tried to speak through the pain and tell her how much I had tried, how I would do anything to stop her anger but I was too weak and she was too strong. She just carried on laughing. And even though I knew she was just a spectre of my delirium, she frightened me as much as she had ever done.

"Mary..." Someone called my name and squeezed my hand once again. The creamy light became brighter and I struggled for breath as the darkness faded away. Pain clutched at me with long fingernails and all I could think of was her laughing green eyes and the terror as she came up behind me and pushed me down the stairs.

"Just leave me alone!" I cried and I was sure it was blood trickling down my cheeks. "Please... Leave me alone."

"I'm not going to hurt you." The voice came again this time desperate and shaking. My arms reached out and clutched something soft, arms, blue arms. Just like that the mist cleared and I was lying in a hospital room, the thin mattress beneath me, the baggy nightgown on my body. Once again I struggled for breath and it was suddenly like the whole world wasn't real. I was drifting between the hospital and somewhere else, somewhere deep in my mind that I had tried so desperately to push away yet still it clutched hold of me. I tried so hard to breathe and I couldn't control myself from screaming. All the time there was that blue blur beside me.

"It's alright, Mary, it's alright. I'm here."

Then another blur, a white one came near, there was a prick in my arm and the darkness surrounded me once again. This time it was a comforting darkness with no demons lurking in the shadows.

When I awoke again I heard birds twittering outside the clinic and soft breathing somewhere near. My legs felt numb and my chest squeezed painfully every time I tried to breathe. I blinked a few times and then gathered enough courage to look around. There were two human silhouettes in the open doorway of the hospital who were talking quietly. I recognised Elli, whose face held a tired and careworn expression and there were tears resting on the ledges of her eyelids. It was the doctor she was talking to and he also looked grave, his dark head bowed as he muttered something to Elli and gently took her hand.

I thought they were the only people in the room and was about to call out to them, when my eyes caught something blue in the corner of the room where a little waiting room had been set up, with shiny black sofas. Jack was sitting on one of them, his arms tightly folded and his chin resting on his chest. He was tapping his feet, which was a nervous habit of his and his eyes were half closed and looked slightly misty as if he could drop off at any second but something was keeping him awake. I wondered whether I should keep the comforting silence or speak out. There was something in my stomach, a shaky nervous thing that made me want to vomit, or scream or do something. I couldn't stay alone any longer.

"J... Jack." My throat strained as I spoke and my voice came out surprisingly hoarse. It was so quiet that he didn't even hear me, neither did the doctor or Elli. "Jack!" I said urgently feeling a huge surge of panic. He jumped and his eyes flew to me and then brightened with a mixture of relief and fear.

"You're awake!" He ran to my side and Elli and the doctor heard him and came running over too. Jack was holding on to my arms and Elli kissed my cheek, the tears now chasing each other down her cheeks and flying off her chin. "Are you okay, how are you feeling?" Jack asked, words tumbling out of his mouth in disorder.

"You were in a awful state when Karen found you, Mary, we were all so worried. Then you woke up was so scared... We must thank the goddess that you're well again!" She hugged the doctor and then Jack and then she put her hand to her chest and positively sobbed.

"K... Karen?" I looked around at them all. "Karen found me?"

"Don't you remember?" Doctor looked at me concernedly, quickly collecting his clip board and a pen. "Do you remember falling down the stairs, Mary? Karen found you at the bottom of the stairs in the inn. Gray said you went to see him and..."

"Yes, yes, I r... remember." I squeezed in my chest, trying to get a hold of my breath. Jack leaned closer to me, his face turned a little red.

"What's the matter with her? Why can't she breathe? Why is she breathing like that?" His eyes darted about in panic and his hand turned clammy on my arm as I leant forward, holding on to my chest. I was sure I was going to die, the whole world was swaying around and around and my ears buzzed so that the people's voices came at me like a badly tuned in radio. I could faintly hear Elli going all high pitched and cold on my chest as the doctor felt my heartbeat with his stethoscope.

"I... I'm going to die aren't I?" I managed to say, in between gulps of breath.

The doctor shook his head and then turned to Jack. "It's alright, she's having a panic attack. She's probably just a little shook up about what's happened. Mary..." His black bead eyes looked deeply into mine. "Just try and relax for me. Take big deep breaths. Elli, have we got any paper bags?" I had never seen Elli run upstairs so fast. "Jack, why don't you try and calm her down a little, I'll go and see if I can help Elli find a bag for her to breathe into. It sometimes helps with situations like this."

The doctor disappeared and Jack looked across at me with big nervous eyes and my breathing got a little worse when I remembered the argument we had and the things I had said about not wanting to see him anymore. I wished I could tell him I didn't mean it but I was too worked up to think about talking. I was too worked up to even cry. "I'm scared..." I rasped, "I'm really scared."

"There's no need to be." He said slowly and he let go of my arm and took my hands instead, sitting down on the bed near me, he pulled me close to him so that our foreheads were touching. "Nobody's going to hurt you, I'm here now and I won't let them, okay? I'll... I'll wave my sickle at them or something."

My breathing slowed down and I had to smile. Jack's relaxed his shoulders, that had been hunched up to his neck before, when he heard me calm down a little and continued to talk in a slow voice, squeezing my hand. "The doctor said that you've got a few broken bones but no serious injuries so ya should be allowed out soon. Your Mum's been looking after Charlie. He's been missing you like hell, but he's alright. So there's nothing to worry about." When he saw that my face was still a little tight, he spoke again. "I think she's been talking his ear off, telling him all the village gossip because your Dad's gone in some new book and he keeps rolling his eyes at her, so she just talks louder and yesterday when I went to take Charlie back for the night, you'll never believe what she did. She gave me a cake to taste, said it was for the cooking festival. The cooking festival! When does that happen, spring? That's nearly a year away! A god damn year!" I had to giggle and my breathing went slowly back to normal and my stomach relaxed.

"I'm sorry I was acting so silly, Jack. I just felt so scared."

He frowned at me. "The only thing that's silly..." He said, in his playful voice. "...is that you think you're being silly. It was a really bad fall. Anyone woulda been frightened when they woke up and found out."

I swallowed and stiffened my body. The word "fall" resounding again and again in my head. I remembered the afternoon in the inn. I remembered the darkness of the landing when I had run out to chase after Jack and try and save our relationship. But it wasn't too dark to see those eyes. Those glittering, triumphant green eyes. She knew she had won. If she had pushed me she would get rid of me forever. Just like that day, all those years ago, when my parents and I were supposed to be on holiday but it had been no relaxing break by the sea. There had been some parts that were pleasant, like meeting the little boy with eyes like the romantic heroes in the fairy stories I loved and singing on top of Mother's hill with him. It would have been the perfect fairy story too, if Karen hadn't been around that is. Jack was looking at me gravely he had seen something in my eyes and obviously caught on that something wasn't right. He didn't ask me to tell him but his eyes did it for him. If it had been the Mary of two years ago who had been pushed down the stairs, maybe I would have said that everything was alright and pretended that I had tripped down the stairs and it had been nothing more than a simple accident. But everything I had gone through had taught me a valuable lesson. These sorts of lies, because they were lies, not just something I used to cover up myself, never did anyone any favours. They only led to pain and more pain and yet more pain. If you didn't let someone get inside you, really open you up instead of just letting them touch the surface, then you stayed locked in your cage forever. It isn't a comfortable cage, where you feel protected and safe from the evils of the world. It's a dark, dangerous place where all sorts of nightmares lurk and you can rely on only yourself for safety. And you scream to be let out, you bang and hammer at the bars but unless you speak out you'll be in there forever.

"I didn't fall." I whisper, gripping the blankets of my bed. "I didn't fall down the stairs."

"Wh... What?" Jack's voice was almost a whisper too but it was raw and sounded like sandpaper.

"I was pushed. Karen pushed me. She came up behind me and she smiled and then she pushed me down the stairs. Just like she did when I was seven years old and she pushed me off the pier into the sea." Jack didn't say anything but his mouth was open and he searched my eyes for more, so I told him.

"She never really liked me. We came on holiday here, to Mineral Village, when I was seven because Dad wanted to explore the mountains and Mother was excited about the beach. I saw Karen around the place and when we went into her shop to get supplies for our holiday, I tried to make friends with her but she just laughed at me. She wouldn't stop laughing. It was like I was so dim for thinking someone like her could be friends with someone like me. And whenever we saw each other that summer and she was with her friend, Popuri, she would make a point of saying something horrid very quietly so that Mum and Dad didn't hear. I always felt like just bursting into tears. I know that I'm not as pretty as everyone else in the village but it really hurt to be told it, just the same.

"I always tried to be with my parents but there was a few times when I was alone and that was when she really got to me." I hesitated with the next bit, fearful I was going to start crying as I had never told anyone before. I hadn't even wrote it down in a diary, it hurt so much. "Once she pushed my face in the mud and said that's where I belonged because I was nothing but ugly dirt. The worst thing was when she would just look at my face and laugh. I know it doesn't sound like much but all the time when she did that, I just felt like nothing. Worse than dirt. Just nothing, a big joke to everyone." I paused to catch my breath and stop myself from crying. Jack still didn't say anything but he stroked my shoulder and his nose was all wrinkled like a crumpled piece of paper.

"Then on the last day of the holiday, I was sitting on the pier, just watching the waves and thinking, when she appeared. She was as beautiful as always. Don't look like that, Jack, you know she is beautiful. Well, she was just the same when she was little with that golden hair and those eyes. Everyone said she was going to be a proper little ballerina, her parents were saving up for her to go to a school in the city to train in a proper dancing school. I remember them talking about that with Mother. And Mother fussed over Karen like she was a little angel. Then on the way back to the inn, she would start criticising me. She wanted to know why I couldn't be more like Karen, why I couldn't take dancing lessons and curtsey like a princess. She had always wanted a daughter like that. Anyway, Karen approached me that day on the beach and I was so scared, I just wanted to run away but she caught hold of my arm before I could escape. She asked me if I could swim in a sweet voice like the one she used in front of my Mother. I couldn't answer until she shook me hard until I said no, I couldn't swim. That's when she pushed me. I thought I was going to die. I kept splashing and splashing but I was going under and I couldn't breathe... I couldn't breathe. Luckily there was a lifeguard on patrol then in the village and he got me out. But when I got home I always had nightmares about it.

"Then, years later, Dad said he wanted to study mountain plants and he was going to take us to live in Mineral Village and buy the little library and adjoining house. He told me the library was for me to run, to make me smile, but he didn't know that even after all the years that had passed, he was giving me a heart attack. A thousand of them, one after another. When we moved here I hoped I could hide in the library and avoid seeing her as much as possible. Then there was the music festival and you..." I looked up at him and he was watching me hard, his fingers gently massarging my hands. "It was like all my dreams were coming true and I didn't want to stop and slow it down. I didn't want anything to spoil it. I knew she had a thing for you and I knew she was going to do everything in her power to stop us being together but I didn't say anything. I just wanted us to carry on the way we were. I just kept on falling more and more in love with you. Maybe if I had spoken to her as soon as we got back in the village or told you, I don't know... But I knew, Jack, I knew that something was going to happen. I just got too caught up in our love, I thought you wouldn't ever leave me and I forgot that you were human and you had weaknesses, just like we all do." I stopped and breathed a huge sigh of relief, feeling strange but refreshed now that it was all out there in the open.

Jack pulled me into his arms and held me there fast while I sobbed on to his shoulder. "Don't ever think you're nothing." He told me, in a tight voice. "And you're not dirt either. You're the most beautiful, beautiful girl in the world and I love you and Charlie loves you and she's never going to hurt you like that again, you hear me? I'll make damn sure she doesn't even get to breathe on you again." He guided me away from his shoulders and held me facing him, his hands strong on the tops of my arms, making me swirl with excitement and deep feeling. "I can't believe I went anywhere near that... that..." He screwed his face up in disgust.

"Please can we not talk about this anymore? I'm tired and I just want to sit here with you and let everything else fade away."

Jack nodded, understanding, and pushed a few strands of hair back behind my ears and I touched his warm cheek. It really was like the whole world could wait, all that mattered was the here and now, me and him and now that I had told him, I felt like I had broken out of my cage and I was flying in the warm summer sky and all I had to do was look at him to see everything that was possible, everything I had been missing out on in my darker days and I thought of the times we had talked before. The times when he had told me about his wild, opinionated mother and how his Dad had loved her but he hadn't been able to tie her down and after she left his Dad had thrown himself into work and drink. He was an old fashioned man and he reckoned Jack was just like his Mother, except he was going to do everything in his power to make sure Jack followed orders and didn't give in to the wild streak that his Mother had supposedly passed down to him. Jack went through so much, so much pain, so much hate, so much darkness. But we could be together now, I felt it in his touch. Something had changed, something was starting and this time I was going to let him in the same way he had let me in. All we needed was time.

"We found them..." Elli yelled as she flew down the stairs. When she got to the bottom she stopped and stared in pure shock, scrunching the paper bag up in her startled hands as she took in the sight of Jack sitting on my bed and the two of us holding on to each other very tightly. "B... But it looks like you don't need the bag at all anymore, Mary!" She flushed and giggled. The doctor came up behind her, a small smile on his lips.

Jack, as if suddenly remembering something, let go of me and jumped down from the bed, his eyes went from me to Elli. "I'm going to go and fetch Harris." He said, "I'll be back in a minute."

"Harris?" I panicked. "But why? Oh Jack I don't want to tell him anything. I... I can't. I..."

"Yes you can, Mary, and you will. You're not letting her get away with this, I won't let you."

I tried to protest but he was having none of it and swiftly left the building, ignoring my cries. Elli came over, her eyebrows knotted together questioningly. I knew I had to tell her what happened so I did so as quickly as I could manage. She already knew a tiny part of it, but not all, and as I told my story her face got redder and redder but she didn't cry. When I had finished she took me into her arms and held me so tightly that I nearly suffocated. Of course I didn't mind in the slightest.

"You've been so brave, Mary, but you won't struggle with this on your own any longer. I'm always here for you, as is the doctor and Jack. He loves you so much, Mary." She sighed contentedly and seeing my surprise at her sudden change of heart she hastily continued. "He's so devoted to you. He sat here all day and most of the night while you were unconscious, he hired the sprites to look after the farm and he hasn't left your side. It was really heartbreaking to watch the pain on his face. I know I had doubts in the past about his feelings for you but I was wrong, Mary, he really does love you."

"But... But..." I squeezed her hands. "I was so mean to him. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore and I..."

"I know. He told me everything but he knows how upset you were." She patted my hand. "Don't worry yourself about it."

I couldn't stop myself from worrying but it quickly ran from my mind when Jack returned, with Charlie on his hip and Harris beside him with a notepad in his hands. For a moment, one moment, I hesitated. I thought about telling him I had made the whole thing up or it had been a mistake but then I looked at Charlie, gurgling happily with his father, his little hands reaching out for his Mum and then I looked at Jack, his eyes round and trusting. I knew I had to go through with it, for the sake of the happiness of my family. Charlie, who needed our love, guidance and example and Jack, who even when we were separated would always be part of my family, would always be part of me. So I nodded slightly at Harris and told myself that all the questions he asked me, I would answer as well as I could, no matter how difficult they were.

"I know this was hard for you but thank you for your co-operation, Mary." Harris said after our interview, flapping his notebook shut and looking at his watch.

"Sorry, I hope you don't mind me asking, but what will happen now? What are you going to do about Karen?"

"Well, I'll take her back to myself and my father's house, where we'll have a formal interview, to get her side of the story."

I swallowed hard. I could just see Karen wriggling her way out of it, making up some elaborate story about how I had been jealous of her relationship with Jack and smiling sweetly so that they would never doubt her. Harris tipped his hat politely as he went towards the door. "Don't worry, Miss Mary, I assure you that we'll get the truth about this matter. I wish you a speedy recovery."

"Thank you, Harris!"

Jack came across the room and placed Charlie on my lap. I smothered him in kisses and played with his curls, so happy to see my baby son again, especially after such a nerve-wracking experience, he was a great comfort. Jack stood there, rather awkwardly, again tapping his foot on the floor. Once I had finished my fussing of Charlie, I looked up at him.

"Well done for telling him everything. I know how hard it was but you did it. See, you are strong inside."

"No." I shook my head and shyly looked up at him. "There's two people who make me strong and they're you and Charlie and I would be nothing without you both."

He took hold of my hand. "Mary..."

"No, don't say anything. First let me say something. I'm really sorry about what I said in the square. I didn't mean it. I do want you in my life, I was just so frightened and I jumped on the first opportunity to run away." I sighed. "I'll understand if you think that too much has happened now for us to be together but when I was coming out of the inn that day, I was coming to see you. Gray made me understand how stupid I had been and I wanted to make up with you, to somehow try again... if that's what you want."

He gripped my hand tighter. "Of course it's what I want. But you've gotta be sure this time 'cos...."

"I won't runaway this time. We'll take things slowly and I'll try and be more open."

He leant down and kissed my forehead and my skin fizzed with the impact. "I'm never going to let you go again." He said slowly, with conviction and I trusted him wholly, completely and even if sometime in the future he did let me go, which I was sure he wouldn't, I wouldn't let this moment be tainted because in that moment our feelings were true and time and circumstance could not mangle them. Nothing could leave the slightest imprint on what we had then.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Jack told me that Karen had been arrested and taken to a police station in the city where she was being held until the trial. Everyone said I shouldn't worry about it, that I should just concentrate on getting myself well again. But of course I did worry, I couldn't stop worrying. Even when I was finally allowed out of hospital, on crutches with aching ribs, and Mother and Father had thrown a "Welcome Home" party for me with everyone gathered except Jeff and Sasha, there were shadows at the windows. When I laughed at Charlie's face when Stu popped the balloons and tucked into the cake that Mother had lovingly baked for me, I kept telling myself not to smile too much, not to be too happy because it wasn't over. It might never be over and no amount of reassuring smiles could convince me otherwise.

"Everything is going to work out for you now, Mary my darling." Said Mum as the last of the party guests departed. She had been much more affectionate towards me since the real truth came out. I even managed to tell her about my depression and to my surprise she didn't start fussing or try to take Charlie away from me, she was very understanding. I'm not saying that we are becoming the best of friends, I don't think our personalities could ever blend together easily but we're starting to get to know each other again. "In a little while you'll be so happy and this mess will be part of the past. You have got a future to look forward to now. A bright future with Jack by your side."

I knotted my forehead at her and lifted my tired son from his high chair. I refused to be drawn into a conversation about my relationship with Jack. Everything was going well. We had met up a few times, we had shared dinners both at my parents' house and the farmhouse but we were taking things slowly. We needed to. He had promised to drive me to the trial and sit by my side whenever he could, holding my hand and he said he would sit in the gallery while I gave evidence.

"And if you get scared or something, you just look at me, okay?"

He was a true friend but he couldn't talk for me. He couldn't say the right words to convince the jury, he couldn't ensure that Karen wouldn't invent some easily believable story against me and it wouldn't be too hard considering the situation both she, Jack and I had been in at the time of the "accident". I spent long hours awake at night, just imagining the things that she could say, the twists that her mind could chisel into the truth. How could I compete with her? I, who shrunk at the thought of speaking one line in public and her, who knew exactly how to work people so that they were completely obeying her, completely dependent on her power.

Jack wasn't there when I ran into Sasha that day. It was the day before the trial and I was coming back from Mineral Farm where I had dropped off Charlie for the night and been persuaded to stay for a lovely dish Jack had made from a large fish he had caught in the lake. He had been doing his best to calm my nerves and as I walked I try to tell myself the optimistic things he had said over and over. That's when the door of the winery opened and Sasha came out.

Her small, birdlike head was stuck up defiantly and her lips were shining with spit. I could tell that she had just been talking with Manna about me and the court case and tried to bow my head so that our eyes wouldn't meet and she wouldn't begin to talk to me. I didn't feel guilty for sending Karen to prison but I felt bad for both Sasha and Jeff. It must be terrible to have to watch your daughter go through so much trouble. If anything like that ever happens to Charlie, I know that I would believe him if he said he was innocent and love him still even if he was not. There's no love that can compare to a true mother's love, it goes on flowing regardless of situation and it sees people through anything you can imagine. A mother's love is a bottomless pit of warmth and I knew that Sasha would defend Karen to the very last.

"Wait a minute." Her high heels tapped as she stepped in front of me, blocking my way. "I want a word with you, young lady."

"I'm s… sorry." I stammered, clenching my sweaty fists. "My Mother is expecting me."

"Oh… That's nice." A sickly sweet smile settled on her face and her green eyes gleamed with anger. I bit my lip, she was like a sharper version of Karen, with a jutting chin that spoke of pride and her caramel hair that was kept primly back in a bun, emphasising the pointed features of her face. "It's nice, Mary, that you can go home to your mother so easily. My daughter cannot do that and she may not be able to for a very long time and it's all down to you and your cruel lies!"

Blood soaked my tongue as I bit down into the skin of my lip. _Please just let her finish speaking and move. Please, please, please. _She showed no sign of moving aside, in fact she straightened her back and held on to the basket she was carrying even tighter.

"You always seemed like a nice girl, Mary, and I'm frankly very surprised that you could do something so terrible. I know that my Karen would never do such things that you have been spreading. I think, deep down you know that too." She leaned forward, her eyes having almost a hypnotising effect. "I can understand that you were upset about Jack and Karen's relationship, anyone would be. All my Karen has ever wanted you see, is to have a husband, to raise a family and she thought that she and your Jack would make the perfect match." She looked just behind me thoughtfully. "Obviously she was a little misguided but she has come to her senses now. She told me, in a letter, that she's willing to forget all about Jack if only you'll drop the charges against her. That's how desperate she is, you see."

I tried to imagine Karen being desperate but I could only see her triumphant smile.

"Now, Mary, you have what you wanted all along. So, please, you can drop this ridiculous act, you can put everything right again, if you just tell everyone what really happened." She tapped my shoulder briskly, as if she were tapping a dog but she didn't want to get hairs on her dress. "I'm sure that no-one will judge you. In fact, people will probably be sympathetic, the abandoned wife seeking the ultimate revenge and all that." She narrowed her eyes and her mouth crinkled bitterly before her face relaxed again and she tried to smile again. "Then we can all get on with our lives and forget that this awful thing ever happened."

She looked at me, waiting for my answer. I could tell that she was sure she had won me over and was aching to go back and tell Jeff of her victory. I wished that I could relieve her of the pain of having to sit through her daughter's trial. I wished that it wasn't true and I really had made the whole thing up to get Jack but I couldn't lie again. I just couldn't. I wasn't capable of doing it anymore.

"I'm sorry Mrs Miller." I pushed up my glasses. "I wish I could make this all go away so easily but I can't. You see, I've spent my whole life brushing things under the carpet. And all this, well, I suppose it's all too big to hide now." I saw her puzzled look. "I mean… I've always said… I've always said what I think I should say or what I think people should hear and it hasn't got me anywhere I really want to be. I've changed from what I was before and I want to start living now." She still looked confused. "I'm really sorry for the pain that this is going to cause you and Jeff, Sasha." My voice shook with fear.

"Sorry? YOU'RE SORRY?" Her face blazed. "Well, I'm shocked. I'm more than shocked. I expected better of you but you're just a malicious little liar, aren't you? And now you're going to take this all the way?" She paused, as if counting to ten to control her anger. "Well, don't expect to be treated as one of the community any longer, you and that good-for-nothing husband of yours. If everyone in that courtroom falls for your stories and you destroy my daughter's life, dash all of her potential…" Tears sparkled in the pits of her eyes. "I'll make it my mission to destroy yours."

Her long arm reached out and pushed me aggressively to the side so that one of my crutches clattered on the cobbles of the path. "Sasha…" I called after her, "Sasha, please, wait, listen to me! Just for a minute? Please?" But she didn't even flinch, she just carried on walking back towards the supermarket. The curtains of the winery twitched and I turned to see Manna's eyes glaring at me. They were hard, like chocolate and her lips curled into a frown. Would I behave the same way as Sasha, if it _had _been Charlie? Would my eyes be as cold as Manna's, if I had been watching from the outside? I don't know, I don't know but I did know what they meant when they said lying was a form of cowardice because the truth was so hard, so weighty on the faces of those it hurt.

"Ignore her." Jack said offhandedly, when I told him the story the next morning when he came to meet me and we walked down to the beach together. I had said a teary goodbye to Charlie and my parents, we were going to be staying in the city until the trial was over. "She's still under Karen's spell, you know that. And she always be, 'cos she gave birth to her. But she's not someone you need to worry about, trust me."

"I'm not so sure." I tucked my hand into his. "I feel for her but she looked so fierce, Jack. I really believed her when she said she would destroy my life."

"Pffftttt." He shook his head. "They'll probably move to the city to be near the gaol once their beloved Karen gets sent down and we'll never hear from them again."

"If." I corrected him. "If Karen goes to gaol."

He rolled his eyes. "Very well. If."

Elli was waiting on the pier and she waved her white handkerchief when she saw us. "I came to wish you good luck." She said, flinging her arms around me. "And to say goodbye. Promise me you'll look for bridesmaid dresses in those beautiful little shops in the city. Just think, Mary, the day after you get back, Malcolm and I will be married! Now, there's something to look forward to! Whenever you feel sad just think of what a great time we're going to have." Elli and the doctor had decided to put off the wedding until the trial was over. They had already held it off while I was in hospital.

"I can't get married without my very best friend, can I?" She had said when I had tried to insist that they go ahead anyway. "I know that you won't relax until this awful thing with Karen is over and done with and how can I relax, if you can't? Plus Malcolm promised that he'll be able to take your cast off on the thirtieth and the first of fall is a beautiful day to get married."

I knew that Elli had her heart set on the tenth of summer but there was no way I could argue with her after she said all that. I watched her as we stood on the pier. She was still bouncing around trying to be happy even though this was far from a happy day. Oh precious Elli, the world would be a much darker place without her. Yet she had led a far from happy and light life herself. To think I moaned constantly about my Mother's nagging but her own parents had been taken so tragically leaving her to take care of a needy younger brother and a crippled grandmother. It was nice to think that whatever happened at the trial, Elli would still be back here in Mineral Town waiting for me. I squeezed her little hands.

"Thank you, Elli." I said, "You know what I feel about you…"

Just at that moment I heard footsteps crunching through the sand. I looked up to see Jeff and Sasha. Sasha walked rigidly with her head high. Jeff was hunched up and his face was wrinkled, as if in pain. I hadn't thought I would have to face Sasha again so soon, forgetting that she would want to be there for her daughter's trial so of course we had to catch the same boat into the city. I blinked and swallowed so hard that it felt like the inside of my throat was turning over. Jack rubbed my shoulder.

"It'll be alright." He said reassuringly as they passed by us on the pier, Sasha throwing all three of us acid glares, and climbed on to the little boat.

I didn't believe him but it turned out that it was alright. Well, the boat journey was anyway. They stayed on one end and us on the other so she didn't really get much chance to say anything more to me and I didn't get to say anything to her. I could tell that Jack was doing it on purpose, insisting that we walk over to the side of the boat and lean over the rail to look at the ocean, to keep me out of her way. I enjoyed breathing in the deep, salty smell and watching the carpet of sea as we sped along, making me feel dizzy. Jack said it was on days like this when you couldn't tell where the ocean stopped and the sky began.

"I wonder if the sea reflects the sky, or the other way around?" I said thoughtfully. "It must be one or the other. You can always see your reflection in water, like a mirror, so it's probably the sky that makes the water so blue. How strange, it's like when a pretty girl looks in the mirror, so there's two of her."

"You can't see real beauty in a mirror though. Only an illusion." Jack said, staring out into the distance with a tired look in his eyes.

It didn't take too long for us to reach the city and when we got there I started to try and make myself believe that we were just there for a nice little holiday and there wasn't anything to worry about. Everyone hurried around in the midday sun doing their shopping. Their plastic bags brushed against our legs and we caught snippets of conversations as we passed couples, families and groups of friends. Everyone looked at my simple country dress as though I was wearing garments from the Victorian times. I was reminded of my childhood and living in this place where there was always someone awake, always something happening yet in Mineral Town you could sleep for five weeks and when you woke up everything would be the same, except perhaps for the weather, which was our daily reminder that time was moving along. Here in the city fashions and ideas were born, played with and thrown away within the space of a week. Shops opened and closed, people came and went and life would go on as if they had never been there to begin with. Despite the buzz of the place, I longed the simple prettiness of my home. When I closed my eyes I could see Mother's Hill in the spring time, the air crisp and raw. I looked at Jack and saw that he had a dazed expression on his face, as if he were thinking the exact same thing.

We found our way to our hotel where we carefully unpacked our belongings and nibbled our way through a light lunch. Before the taste of ham sandwiches and salad had left my mouth we were heading towards the court house. My stomach lurched and I thought I might be sick. I didn't want to go in there. I didn't want to face Karen again, I certainly didn't want to try and convince a group of strangers that I was telling the truth. Yet still my feet kept walking, up the steps, through the double doors and down the corridor. Somehow I found my way to the leather seat where I was to wait until my name was called.

So this was it. In less than an hour's time I would be standing up there and Karen would be in the dock. She might look at me and freeze my tongue so that I couldn't say all that I had planned. She might let out a little cough which was really a laugh for only me to hear. I could take anything but not her laugh. If she laughed at me I would just curl up in a little ball and die. I could even hear her voice, in my head, loud and clear.

Beside me I felt Jack stiffen and as I followed his eyes down the corridor I saw why. It hadn't been in my head at all. Karen was there. She wore no make up and she looked tired and worn. Big black rings circled those eyes which had once been the haven of all the males in Mineral town. Her hair, that beautiful hair that all the girls longed to touch and play with, was tied back in a straggly pony tail with clots of tiny little knots that she had failed to brush out. She wore only a blue top and trouser uniform that hid all her curves and bumps. She looked like a ghost of her former self as she sat with her stuffy looking lawyer and her parents. They were all talking in mumbles and Karen kept on shaking her head. She folded her arms, turned and looked away from the little group. That's when our eyes met. For a moment, colour lit up her paper white face. Then it all drained away and was replaced by a steely, determined look. She reached up to flatten down the mess of her hair and then rose up from her chair. She started walking towards us, her stride wasn't as confident as when I had seen her last. She seemed to float weakly along the lino floor as if the energy she had once been brimming with had all been sucked away by the darkness.

I felt myself shrinking into my chair. She was coming over to us. What did she want? What was she going to do? What was I going to do? Jack glanced at me, his eyes wide in surprise. Neither her lawyer nor her parents made no move to stop her, they were all too busy arguing about some aspect of the case. Closer and closer she came and further and further I felt myself backing away without realising I hadn't moved a muscle.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Your reviews have been so kind! I don't think I can thank you enough! I'm really sorry that this chap has taken so long. Christmas and other stories have taken up all my time and I also had a bit of writer's block with this fic. I think it was because I don't know that much about courts or anything, so I apologise if I got anything wrong. If I remember right, I think someone asked me if this fic was going to be finished soon. I'm not really sure. I always have a set plan and then the characters get their own ideas and it ends up going on for much longer. But I do think there will be about two chapters after this one. I hope you like it, I'm afraid I don't think this one is very good!

Laura

xxxxx

Chapter Twelve.

It's amazing how many memories can come flooding back to you with just one look at a person's face. It's amazing how many things you can feel at one moment in time and how they all mix together to make a compound with a strange taste. It's something that is heartbreakingly clear and real, yet you can't put your finger on exactly what it is.

I jumped up from my chair, eager to avoid a confrontation with her. I thought that Jack would follow me, that would we would find somewhere else to sit, away from the girl who had caused all this heartache but he reached out, grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"Don't runaway, Mary." He said calmly. "She'll know you're scared of her. Then she'll win again. Even if she gets sent down, she'll win again." I hesitated, still wanting to escape, but I knew he was right. So as Karen paused in front of us, I stayed on my chair and forced myself to look into her eyes. Deep, pleading eyes that pulled and tugged at me. When I felt myself wavering there was Jack's hand on my arm and I was strong again. She wouldn't win. I wouldn't let her.

"Please… Mary… I never meant to hurt you like that. It was an accident. I didn't mean to. I was so angry. You have to understand. You just have to. I can't go back to prison. It's so dark at night. I hate the dark. I always have. And they switch the lights off. And that's just the start. They don't like me in there. None of them do. Not the guards, or the prisoners. My room mate, she's done alsorts of things. I don't want to even think about the things she's done. She calls me princess but not in a nice way. Certainly not in a nice way. It's hell, Mary. Pure hell."

"What do you want me to do?" I croaked.

"Tell them you made it up. Tell them I didn't push you. I did. We both know I did but I was just so angry. I love Jack so much but he's never loved me back. You don't know how much I love him. I tear at my own skin, I love him that much. Look…" She lifted up her sleeve to reveal large scratch shaped scabs running up her arm. Jack looked disgusted. I bit my lip then looked up at her again.

"You really love him?" My voice was a little stronger this time.

"I really love him." She said confidently, her past upset was forgotten in a moment and now there was a glint of hope in her eyes. Jack looked at me. He looked at Karen, his face crumpled up and his eyes bulging.

"Don't believe her, Mary. She doesn't even know what love is. All she wants is a husband and a family to brag about. It's all she's ever wanted. Love? She only wants that when she's drunk, and even then it's not the sort of love me and you have. She just wants to satisfy her night time needs, then it's see ya later. Unless one of her mates comes over so she can show off, that is."

"I only drink because it hurts so much." She insisted. "Think what it would be like if you really longed for someone and you couldn't have them. You would want something to make it better, wouldn't you? That's what the drink is for. And he's twisting things. I can understand it, because he wants you to hate me. But he's the one who only wanted me at night. There's so many things I love about him but he only wanted one thing." Her voice was so much different from when I heard it last. It almost like she was a completely different person.

"You're making me feel sick." Jack said, in one of the most threatening tones I had ever heard him use. His eyes were like slits, staring at her as if he would love to punch her if she had been a man. "You're a spoilt brat, Karen. You always have been, you always will be. You'll do anything to get your own way, won't ya? Lie, steal, even kill. But ya don't usually have to go that far, do ya? All you have to do is smile sweetly put on the-little-girl-lost act and everyone falls at your feet. You've never had to suffer. Well, now you will. I was weak, I fell for you and your poison but not anymore. And ya can't stand here, in front of Mary. Whose had to put up with all of your dirt and act like you're the poor deprived child. Mary's what you'll never be. She's strong, good-hearted, loyal, intelligent and beautiful. People only fall at your feet because you put on your little act. Mary doesn't have to. 'Cos even when Mary does things that annoy me I love her. I love all those annoying things she does. And to think you nearly took her away from me for good, just because for once in your small, pathetic life someone beat you, it makes me wanna… wanna…"

"Jack…" Holding back tears, I tapped him on the arm. I had seen the way his hands were bending into claws and the agitated expression on his face. I didn't want him to get too angry and do something he might regret. "I want to say something." Karen looked at me like I had decided to run naked through rose square on a festival day. "You say you love Jack, that you long for him, that you know him like I do. I… If it's true then can you tell me what made you fall in love with him so deeply? What was it about Jack that was so amazing?" I asked quietly.

"Um…" She fiddled with the side of her outfit. "Well… I suppose it was the way he looked at me."

Jack made a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a gasp.

"I find it odd that you just picked that one thing." Seeing her crumble was giving me confidence. "For me, it was everything. Everything you can possibly imagine. I remember a while ago, when you and Jack were still together, I went to see Carter and he told me that love was tricky because it stopped you from seeing people's faults and that's what leads to heartbreak. The more I have thought about that the more I see that he's wrong. Because for me that's what love is. It's about accepting somebody as they are, faults included. I don't think you love Jack like you say you do. I think you just saw something you wanted and you set out to get it. When I was a child you did something that scarred me for the rest of my life. You might have thought it was a joke, you might not even remember it but from then on I've been terrified of you, terrified of everybody. You stopped me from trusting people. Then you went and did it again. Maybe it's not your fault, you can't help it that your parents gave in to you. But you can help standing here, trying to wrap me around your little finger because you still think I'm weak, that I will just listen and believe everything you say. Well, you may have given me scars, Karen, but you have also given me something I am grateful for. Because now I can see through you and your manipulation. If you hadn't have pushed me down the stairs I probably would have gone along with you. And although you tried your hardest to wreck what Jack and I have, you've just made it worse for yourself because now we are stronger and I've fallen in love with him all over again. And there's nothing you can do to stop that this time." My voice was a little timid to start with but as I went on I got louder and louder until I was almost shouting. Jack squeezed my hand and smiled proudly while Karen just stood there looking resentful. It reminded me when we were at the music festival so long ago and Karen tripped me over with evil intentions, only for it to lead to Jack giving me his hand and pulling me upright. I felt all that again. Only this time I had done it on my own. I had finally, finally stood up to her.

When I was led into the court room I didn't know what to expect. Was there going to be a fierce looking lawyer who would probe me with questions until I broke down like it always happened in books and movies? I daren't look into the dock or the gallery, I knew the stares of Sasha and Karen would be waiting for me and I had to remain focused, so I could tell my story. To my surprise the woman who began to question me didn't even faintly resemble the victory obsessed monsters of the fictional world. You know the kind, they would tear you to pieces for the sake of another win to add to their record. No, this woman was dark and brainy, with almond eyes that seemed to read people quicker than mine. Taking in my slouched back, my clenched fists, my reddened cheeks.

"Perhaps, Mrs Johnson…" She started, once the formalities were overwith. "You could tell us your version on the events of the night in question." The silence seem to intensify, I knew without moving that every pair of eyes in the room was fixed on me. The woman lowered her head, her chocolate eyes splintering right into my skin. "Why did you leave the house last night, where were you going to?" I could see she was gently propelling me forwards and into the story.

I swallowed. "I went to my best friend Elli's house. She wanted to show me her wedding dress and I had to meet Gray at the beach afterwards so…"

"Gray?" Her head jerked up. "Who is Gray, Mrs Johnson?"

"He is a friend. A very close friend." I added, seeing Sasha's blue dress shift about with the corner of my eye.

"Just a friend? That's funny, because people in the village led me to believe that Mr Jones and yourself were a bit more than friends at one point. In fact, when you and your husband were seperated, you were even thinking of marrying Mr Jones, were you not?"

"No. I wasn't." I looked over at the judge. He was watching me closely, one eyebrow raised. I shivered.

"It isn't true then, that Gray Jones gave you a blue feather?" Someone in the gallery gasped. I clutched my knees.

"Yes, that is true but I wasn't thinking of marrying him. I never had any intention of marrying him. We have always been friends. Nothing more than that."

"That's odd. Gray Jones must have got the impression that you were more than friends at one point otherwise why would he make such a gesture?"

I opened my mouth to reply, when a sandy haired man sitting on a desk at the front of the room jumped up with a hand in the air. "Objection." He called, looking angrily at the judge. "Mrs Johnson's relationship with Mr Jones has no relevance to the matter of whether she was or was not attacked by Miss Miller."

"Your honour, I am merely trying to establish Mrs Johnson's feelings on that night, so that we may have a better insight into what happened."

"Objection overuled, continue Miss Levingly." Came the throaty voice of the judge. The sandy haired man sank back into his leather chair sulkily.

"Mary," I wondered why she had chosen that particular moment to use my first name when before she had resorted to formalities. "We both know that for a man to propose he has to have a certain amount of persuading…" A few female members of the jury tittered. "Surely you must have said or done _something_ to indicate that you had serious feelings for Gray?"

"We were friends." I insisted. "I never expected him to propose and I certainly didn't do anything to encourage him. He knew that I still loved Jack. He said he wanted to look after me, but afterwards he admitted that he knew I would say no, go back to Jack."

"Why then, did he bother asking in the first place?" There was a hint of an amused smile on her lips.

"I can't answer you that. You would have to ask him." I bit the inside of my lip.

"I must say, Mrs Johnson, that it must have been awfully flattering. This man suddenly proposing out of the blue." Her eyes scanned the women on the jury. "It's the sort of thing we have all dreamt about. Do you have daydreams, Mary? All alone in that little library and then all of a sudden there was Jack, handsome, kind… I bet you didn't believe it when he said that he wanted to marry you. I bet you thought it was one of your daydreams. Am I right?"

"Yes." My voice was small and mouse like.

"It must have been a terrible blow when you found out he had been secretly seeing Miss Miller, behind your back, while you suffered with your child and mental problems on top, right Mrs Johnson?"

"Yes."

"I put it to the jury, that when Miss Miller moved into Mary Johnson's home, she was insanely jealous. She, understandbly, wanted her husband back. She had never been in love before, we all know what it's like." Her eyes slanted knowingly at the female jury members. "So she decided that she would start a relationship withGray Jones, and in the process make her husband so jealous that he would come running back to her." She paused for dramatic effect. "And it worked. Is it not true, Mary, that on the very night you went to the inn, you and Jack met up on the beach?"

"Yes, that's true."

"Tell the court what happened between the two of you." She flicked violently through a notepad full of notes while I cleared my throat ready to explain.

"He was upset because he had heard Gray and his father arguing about the blue feather. He put two and two together and assumed I would be wanting a divorce. I told him it wasn't true, that I didn't want a divorce. We talked about what had gone wrong between us and he told me that Karen had moved out of the farm and gone back to her parents." I sighed, realising exactly what this was going to sound like to the jury. They were going to think I had made him jealous on purpose, to make Jack come back to me. "We kissed each other." I admitted.

"Then what happened?" Miss Levingly pressed.

"Gray came looking for me and saw us." Tears pricked the back of my eyes, but I knew I had to stop myself from crying. Miss Levingly went on, wanting to know every detail about the night. She also quizzed me about my post natal depression, putting emphasis on the fact that something like that clouds your judgement, making you do all sorts of things that you wouldn't think about doing normally. She drilled it into the jury that I had been upset and angry that my plan to get Jack backfired, I saw Karen at the inn, fell down the stairs and when I awoke to find Jack at the hospital, desperately worried about me, I decided that I could win him back by gaining his sympathy and saying that Karen had pushed me. I was glad when she finally sat down and the sandy haired man got up to speak. He handed around a certificate from the doctor, saying that at the time of the incident, I was mentally stable and my medication for my post natal depression was working well.

He asked me to explain about my relationship with Karen. To tell every last detail about the bullying and the previous incident, when she had pushed me into the ocean when I was a child. It was very hard, I had only ever told those things to Jack before but I kept my eyes on him. He kept nodding and smiling, telling me that I was doing well.

"How can they not believe you?" He said when my time out there had finally finished. "Ya stood there looking all earnest and clever. I tell you, if they fall for Karen I'll eat my hat."

"You're not wearing a hat." I remarked, giggling.

"Well I'll eat my invisible hat then." He said, tickling my tummy.

Jack also had to go and give evidence. They asked him all about the time we had been together in Rose Square before I went back to the inn. He had to tell them all about our kissing and making up but also the trouble there had been with Gray. That's when I bit my lip and clutched hold of the wooden seat. Karen's lawyer kept trying to push him into admitting that I had been bitter towards Karen after our split. Jack, however, was not easily budged and insisted that although I had been upset, I had never said or done anything that led him to believe I had a huge hatred towards her. They also quizzed him about my post natal depression and how it caused me to do irrational things. This also made me sweat but Jack looked straight at me with a reassuring smile in his eyes and said that I was taking medication, things were sorted out with Charlie and he didn't believe I could have had a relapse. In fact he was absolutely certain I didn't. I relaxed, but not too much.I knew anything could happen and the case was strong on either side.

The jury didn't seem to take long deliberating. I couldn't work out whether this was a good sign or a bad sign. Jack kept telling me to stay positive but I was far from positive as everyone made their way back to the court room. I saw Sasha and Jeff sit down at the back. Sasha was preened to perfection as usual, her head was held high as she looked over the jury beseechingly, as if she could persuade them just by the right look in her eye. Jeff was crumpled and pale. He saw me looking at him and his mouth flickered in a smile but it happened so quickly that I couldn't be sure that I hadn't just imagined it. Then I saw Sasha giving him a stern jab in the ribs and knew I hadn't. I looked at Karen as she gazed expectantly at the jury. Her hands were in her lap and she looked strangely innocent. When I caught her eye I expected to find that intense hatred that had always lain there but instead they were blank and emotionless. Almost as if she were looking right through me. I suddenly realised that the battle we had fought for most of our lives was over. Even if they said she wasn't guilty, I would never be scared of her again and Jack would never give in to her again so nothing more I could say would bother her and nothing she could say would bother me. It was an odd feeling.

"Have you reached a verdict?" The judge said loudly to the jury spokeswoman, interrupting my thoughts.

"We have."

I swallowed down a rising lump in my throat.

"And do you find the defendant, Karen Miller, guilty or not guilty on the charge of attempted murder?"

Jack gripped my hand.

The jury spokeswoman opened her mouth to speak.

And the whole court room held it's breath…


	13. Chapter Thirteen

"Guilty." Came the jury's announcement. An instant wave of muttering swept it's way among the people of the gallery. Behind me, Sasha let out a long moan, then reached forward and tugged at my hair.

"I hope you're happy now." She tore at my hair like an angry schoolgirl. "My baby… My poor, poor baby… She didn't do this. She didn't. You lying little…"

"Silence!" The judge yelled, hammering on the table in front of him. Sasha's hands fell from the back of my head and she rested her own face in them, sobbing pitifully. Jack put his hand on my shoulder. When I looked up at his face he gently patted my cheek. His eyes seemed to be saying "See, it's all over now." Clenching hands on my stomach released their grip for the first time in years. I thought to myself "I should be smiling…" but I didn't. I only felt like bursting into tears.

"Karen Miller," The judge looked down at the pale girl. "You have committed a despicable crime. When you pushed Mary Johnson down the stairs, you were thinking only of yourself, and what you could gain from it. Today could have easily have been a murder case. You didn't think of the pain that this would cause her family and indeed, her husband, who you claim to love so much. As it is, you have caused Mrs Johnson an unspeakable amount of pain and damage, not just on the night in question, but for most of her life. You will thereby be held at Oakdale Women's Department of correction for three months, when we will meet again to determine your sentence." He nodded at two policemen by the side, who took hold of Karen's arms.

"No!" Sasha rushed forward and touched her daughter's arm. "We'll get you out of there." She promised. "We'll get you out of there, Karen, I promise."

People began to leave their seats, shaking their heads and discussing things between themselves. Jack rose, and waited for me to do the same but my legs were tingling so much that I found it hard to move. I looked over at Jeff, who was standing there watching as they led his daughter away and his wife let out fitful tears. Jack looked across at me and instantly read my thoughts.

"You did the right thing, Mary. Don't ever doubt it, okay? I know it might not seem like it but this is best. It's best for Karen and her parents."

"I know." I eventually found my feet. "But it doesn't make it any easier to watch."

Jeff crumpled and wiped the sweat from his forehead. I took a tiny step towards him.

"D'ya wanna talk to him?" Jack asked. "Maybe you could say something…"

I shook my head. "You remember that time in the square? When you said that talking to Gray wasn't going to make him hurt any less, it was only going to make me hurt less? Well, I think this is one of those times. I could tell him that I'm sorry about what's happened but it's not going to change anything. They're best left to their own pain now."

He smiled and tucked his arm around my shoulders. "Okay." He whispered. "Lets get out of here, yeah?"

We spent that night in the city alone in the hotel room. There was no question of going out. It had been a long, long day and my head was too full to take in a single sight. Instead I fell asleep early in Jack's arms and when I awoke the next morning he had already packed all of out clothes and belongings ready for the boat trip home. I thought of the village, of Charlie, Elli and my parents and smiled sleepily. It had seemed like another, very safe, world and it was a world I was happy to return to.

Sasha and Jeff were travelling to Oakdale to be close to Karen for a while, so we did not have to share a boat trip home with them. Jack and I sat out on the deck and ate our breakfast, automatically comparing it to the freshly grown food back home. He brushed off my compliments about the vegetables he grew that we once cooked up for dinner every night and it almost felt like things were back to normal. Almost.

"I wasn't gonna say anything… but… Mary… When we get back home, will you come back to the farm? I know we said we were taking things slowly but I miss having you around. I want to wake up with you like we did today, and come home to your cooking."

"is that all you miss?' I laughed. "Having me cook for you?"

"Of course not!" His feet were tapping on the wooden boards beneath us. "Y'know what I mean, don't ya? If you don't want to, I'll understand."

I smiled out at the shimmering ocean, a distant blur of land rapidly coming clearer into our view. "It's strange but I can't think of my parents' place as home anymore. The farm will always be home. I'd like to move back there, yes. And I know Charlie would too. He misses his Dad. We both do."

His kisses fizzed with his unspoken happiness and when we walked down the pier and on to the beach, our hands were clasped tightly together.

Over the next week, the village was flooded with wedding arrangements. Talk of Karen and the trial was swiftly swept to one side and replaced with discussion of hats, dresses and party food. Doug was providing the spread of course and he met with Elli and the doctor almost everyday to share new ideas with them. With this, and a million other things going on, Elli and I couldn't spend very much time together. Fortunately I was equally as busy moving all Charlie's and my belongings into the farmhouse and settling back into married life. I had expected it to be a very slow process. A lot had happened and there was a lot to get used to, but surprisingly we slipped into what seemed like a second honeymoon period.

On the morning before the wedding day Jack caught my hand at breakfast and pulled me into his lap. He had awoken before me and fed Charlie his breakfast before cracking the eggs into a pan for ourselves. I had been slightly put out about this. When I was growing up My Mother had always made it her rigid duty to prepare my Father and I all our meals, and doing the same for Jack and Charlie gave me some sort of satisfaction. It was impossible to stay mad at him for long though, so I returned his kisses.

"You remember that day when you came over here?" He said excitedly, his eyes sparkling. "After we found Charlie?"

"Of course."

"And I told ya to meet me on Mother's hill after Elli's wedding ceremony."

"Yes." I nodded, stroking his cheek.

"I want us to still do that, okay?"

"But Jack… We're back together now. I haven't got any decisions to make."

He winked. "That's what you think! Will you come to Mother's Hill?"

"If it's so important to you, then yes. I'll get Mother to look after Charlie while we're gone. But I still don't understand…"

"Don't be so inpatient!" He laughed. "You'll have to wait and see what it's all about!"

While Jack saw to the fields and the animals, I sat on a blanket under the apple tree with Charlie, repairing one of his old romper suits. By rights I should have been preparing for Elli's party that was happening that very night. It was only a small do. It couldn't be anything else considering the lack of girls in the village but everyone was excited about it. While all the women and children of the village were gathering at Ellen's house, the men were going to spend the night at Doug's place. All of the other women were spending today preparing themselves but I had never drained any enjoyment from getting glammed up for a party. And besides, Charlie was growing too big for all of his clothes and we couldn't afford to throw any of them away. I was quite happy with my little task, singing old songs to Charlie to make him giggle and watching the cows graze. I kept thinking about the meeting on Mother's Hill the next day. What could it possibly be about? Jack had looked so secretive. I had a sudden thought. Maybe he was going to talk about having more children! Being an only child, I had always longed for a big family. I wanted a brood of rosy cheeked farm children, growing up in the outside, with the animals around them. It would be frightening to do that after what happened when Charlie was born but I knew I couldn't give up on my dreams. I tickled Charlie's chin and grinned. Oh, I did hope that he asked me for more children!

"Mary…" I was shocked to look up and see my father standing in front of me. He was in all his outdoor dress and had obviously just come from the mountain. Some green herb smaples hung from his pockets. "I was wondering if we could talk." He said nervously. He had never been much of a talker.

"Sit down." I tapped the blanket beside me and moved over. "Is everything alright at home?"

"Oh yes." He knelt down uncomfortably. "Your Mother can't decide what dress to wear at tomorrow's ceremony. I thought I best get out of her way."

"Yes." I laughed. "I know Manna's going to see her this afternoon, we should leave them to their squawking!"

"I wanted to talk to you before tomorrow." He said suddenly. Whenever my father said anything important, it always came suddenly, out of the blue. I drove my needle through the cotton, almost piercing the tip of my finger underneath. I had seen the way he was looking over in Jack's direction, with narrow, reflective eyes. Jack hadn't even noticed that my father had arrived, he was too busy chopping lumber ready for the winter. "I know I haven't been a good father to you."

"Dad, please…" I touched his arm. "You've been the best father."

"Let me finish." He examined his soiled hands. "I should have talked to you more. I can't help thinking if I had been more open, you would have found it less of a battle to stick up for yourself."

I shook my head but he didn't let me open my mouth.

"And I know it can't have been easy for you, watching your Mother and I over the years. When I was a young man, I fell in love with somebody I couldn't have. I thought I would never love anyone again. That's why I was so frightened for you, Mary. Well, you didn't know I was frightened, because I never told you. But… I thought that after what happened between you and Jack, you would end up like me. I'm not saying I don't love your Mother. She understands me in a way I don't think anyone else has or ever will. It wasn't fair on you to have to grow up in that sort of environment. And I just wanted tp say, I'm going to try and be a better Grandfather to Charlie."

"You couldn't be any better, Dad." I smiled slowly. "If you want to know the truth, I always admired your relationship with Mother. It was always like there was a deep understanding between you, and it's a comforting thing to be around."

He shook his head. "What you and Jack have is the sort of real love that I've always wanted. I hope you know how proud I am of you."

I couldn't do anything but smile and blush. He picked up Charlie and sat him on his lap. The three of us sat in silence. A silence that was softened by a deep, unspoken understanding.


	14. End

Dedicated to every single person who has taken the time to review this fic. Special thanks to:

Krazie4Christ

PacificTwist

Meowzaa

Crazee4Cows

Most of all thanks to ALL of you who left comments. You made my day, again and again!

Standing behind Elli in the church, I couldn't see her face, but I didn't have to. I knew already that she looked amazing and Icould feel the huge smile on her face. The doctor was stood up straight and he looked proudly down at his new wife, her ring reflecting luminous colours from the stain glass window. I wanted to throw my arms around her, to scream and jump up and down but there was plenty of time for that later. The ceremony was not yet over.

"Thank you all for coming." The doctor said, a rare smile on his face "Thank you to my best man," He nodded admiringly at Doug. "To our maid of honour, Mary, and to the beautiful bridesmaid and pageboy, Stu and May."

May beamed in delight.

"The day is not yet over. Soon we would like you all to make your way to Rose Square, where there will be food, music and dancing. We look forward to seeing you all there, Doug and Ann have been tremendous about preparing everything. We give them thanks. Now my wife would like to say a few words." Another smile played gently with his lips as he said the word "wife" I smiled over at Jack and saw that he was looking reflective, perhaps he was thinking, like me, of our own wedding day and how happy it had made us to call each other husband and wife. I felt tears forming in my eyes. I was so pleased that Elli and the Doctor were experiencing that joy.

"It has been a tough year for the village." She said, in a slightly shaking voice. She had never been comfortable with public speaking. I clutched the flowing skirt of my bridesmaid dress, quietly dying for her. "But it has been a very special year for me, and for that reason alone I will always remember it. I'll remember the bad times as much as the good, because all of that, well, it just led to this day and it's all so perfect. I wouldn't want to change a thing. Except…" She paused, her lips quivering. "… If I could, I would want my parents to be here. I know they are, I can feel them but it's not the same as seeing my Mum smile. I don't know if any of you remember but my Mother had the most beautiful smile, she could silence anybody with it. And when she laughed there was no way you could stop yourself from giggling along with her. My Dad, he loved her so much. He loved me and Stu and he'd do anything for anybody. Stu never got to know them. I'm sad about that. And I hate that they died. I hate it every single day. I can't forget, I just go on hating. But all things happen for a reason, I know that now. I also know how important it is to live in the moment, to get to know people before it's too late, to take chances, to resolve arguments." She glanced at Sasha and Jeff, who had returned espeically for the wedding. "Today is about commiting to the man I love but it's also about taking chances. When you trust someone, you're taking a chance. People can hurt you easily. People can leave you easily. The hard thing is to keep going, to trust again, to love again. Everyone here who has married has taken a chance. Everyone here who is a parent has taken a chance. But you take that chance because you want to love, you need to love. I want to love Malcolm. I need to love him. It's because of him that I'm taking the chance." She laughed, "I'm taking a chance saying all this! But I hope you understand."

Malcolm took her hand, his eyes glowing like chocolate coals. The whole church errupted in applause. I rushed forward and hugged her tightly as I had been wanting to do since the service had started. She squeezed my waist.

"Did I do it right? Did I say it like I did when we practised?"

"Better." I assured her, squeezing back. "Just look, everyone is in tears. You were amazing!"

People began leaving their seats, making for rose square while chatting about the ceremony. Kano was the only one still in the church, attaching a new film to his camera. I made my way over to Jack and Charlie, my skirts rustling against the wooden pews as I moved.

"We should go up to Mother's Hill now." He said, decisively. "It won't take long. I hope not anyway."

"Okay. We better make an appearance at the party though, if only to drop off Charlie with Mother." We had never been party lovers, and I saw the grimace stiffen his features but he agreed and we walked to Rose Square a little way back from the rest of the crowd, Charlie gurgling in the pushchair that his Dad pushed. I reached down to smoothen his curls and brush away the biscuit crumbs on his outfit, He began to squeel and babble nonsense. In the midst of it I heard a word.

"Dada!"

I gasped, and looked at Jack. He was open mouthed and red cheeked, he had heard too.

"Charlie! You clever little boy." I lifted him from his seat and smothered him in kisses. "Ohh, I'm so proud of you, you little angel. Clever, clever Charlie."

Jack ruffled Charlie's curls and grinned at me. "He's growing up fast, aint he? He'll be starting school before we know it."

"Oh don't say that." I frowned. "When he goes to school I'll be so lonely. And worried. I don't want him to face the horrors of the world."

"He won't have to 'cps he'll have his Mum spoiling him at every oppurtunity." He winked. "And don't you worry, you won't be lonely."

I wondered what that could possibly mean. Then I thought again of Mother's Hill and the talk he had mentioned. Another baby! I wouldn't be lonely because I would have another baby! I wanted to yell "Yes" straightaway but kept quiet instead, strapping Charlie back into his pushchair. Oh, wouldn't I love a daughter! I would buy her dolls and keep her hair tied in plaits. I was so excited, I couldn't pay a bit of attention to the party. I wanted to get home and start trying for a new baby immediately. To be pregnant again! To lie in bed and feel the weight of an unborn life underneath my skin! To have my body fiiz with excitement and tingle with nervousness as I waited for the day for the child to arrive, I loved my new child already, and he or she was yet to be created! When we climbed up to Mother's Hill, I thought what a perfect day it was to make such plans. It was late afternoon and the sun was just setting so that the gnats were fluttering under the shade of the trees. It was cooling a little, so the air was just warm enough ofr bare skin, but it did not have enough intensity for sunburn. From the square we could hear the festival music playing softly and closer, the twittering of birds preparing for nightfall. It was the sort of day that stuck easily in your memory, and as I settled down in the rocks with Jack's hand in mine, I wondered if I would one day tell Charlie about it and his little sister or brother.

"What a veiw." Jack looked down from our great height. "The fireworks will be starting soon. Do you think Elli will miss us at the party? They'll look so great from up here."

"I don't think so." I leant back, letting my hair loose from my plait, something I rarely did. Jack tangled his hands amongst it. "She'll be too busy with Malcolm no doubt." I giggled. "And besides, I told her where we were going to be and she seemed enough." Her eyes had sparkled knowingly, and she had told me to have a good time. I suspected she knew something. Jack had obviously confided in her and sworn her to secrecy. I knew better than to chide her into admitting the truth though.

"What did you think of the ceremony?"

"It was very beautiful." I sighed. "I liked how they gave speeches at the end."

"Yeah. It was nice." His fingers interlaced through mine, I could see his eyes growing dark with thought. I could tell he was wondering how to bring the subject up. I decided to help him out.

"I know what you're going to say."

"Really?" He looked shocked.

"Really. And before you ask, the answer is yes." A smile split his face. "I would love to have another baby with you."

The smile wavered and then disappeared altogether, He paled a little, blinked and then burst out laughing.

"What is it? What's funny?"

"Mary! You sausage, you can have as many kids as you want. You don't even have to ask. Jeez, I'd have a million of your little brats!"

'What? I don't understand…"

"I didn't bring you up here to ask for another kid. I leave it up to you. You know how much I love Charlie and how I want to have a houseful of little ones, but I know you've had a bad time and it's best you decide when you're ready."

"Then why did you bring me up here?"

"Because… You know what Elli was saying today about trusting people? Taking risks?"

'Yes."

"I want you to take a risk with me again."

"I already have! I took you back, didn't I? And we already got married? Or did you forget?" I laughed, feeling like I could laugh forever.

"I know that." He rolled his eyes and reached down into his pocket for something large and blue. He pulled out a feather and tucked it into my shaking hands. "I know I already asked you and I know we already did it once but I want us to get married again, Mary. I want to tell everyone how much I love you, and make you happy this time, look after you and our kids."

"Oh Jack." Tears poured down my cheeks, unchecked. "You don't have to marry me again."

"But I want to." He insisted, wrapping his hands around my fists. "We can stand up here, and ust have our friends and family there. We'll say it's gonna be forever this time… We'll say whatever you want to say, just marry me again Mary, please…"

I gulped, sobbing almost hysterically. Then I bit down on my lip and looked up into his inpatient eyes. "Yes." I whispered, then I shouted as loud as I could, so it travelled down into the land below. "YES!"

He laughed out loud with happiness then took me into his arms, kissing the top of his head. I fitted neatly into his warm chest and remained there, safe, until darkness settled and we knew we had to make a move. Walking back down to the square was like a dream. The moon reflected in the lake, and night animals scuttled along our path. Jack babbled on about everything and nothing and I joined in, laughing over the silliest things, acting like a kid. When we got back to Rose Square, we did not make any grand announcement, reluctant to steal the limelight away from Elli and Malcolm. Instead we tried to be unnoticable in a corner, every now and then our eyes meeting with delicous secrets. Elli said she did, however, notice our excitement and wanted to come over and congratulate us but was waylaid by the village gossips and did not get away until after we had returned to the farm. I think it was a good thing, it was Elli and Malcolm's night and we were happy it stayed that way. The next day we gathered our friends and family at the inn and announced the news to them. They were enthralled of course, and we were wrapped in hugs and drowned in congratulary drinks. Not that we minded at all.

As planned, we held the re-commitment ceremony on Mother's Hill. It was a quiet affair but it gave us memories to last a lifetime, and it makes me feel all warm just thinking of it. By that time I was quite heavily pregnant and our daughter, Elli-Rose, takes great delight in looking at the pictures from the day in which she was concealed beneath a large bump. After Elli Rose we had two more sons James, or Jimmy as we call him, and baby Jack. Karen gets out of prison in a few months although it is not something that fills me with fear. Karen and I no longer have anything between us, no hate, no love, nothing. So there is not one thing she can do to hurt me. I do not crave her respect anymore. I am happy with my life, my children, my husband. She will never take that away again.

The End

There! Well I really hope you enjoyed reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it. I've always felt a special connection to Mary, that's why I felt I had to write this fic. Oh and just to let you know, there will be a sequel! Not sure when it will be up, or when I'll start writing it for that matter, but I have some firm ideas so watch this space. Thank you again to all my lovely readers. Hopefully you know how much I appreciate you by now!


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